14 December 2002

What a Surprise!

A couple of news tidbits to pass along to you today:

Exhibit A: I got this in my emailbox from my Sig-O (thanks, Ally!). It seems that the White Supremacist Repugnicant Party of AmirKKKa is now speaking for the entire government of the United States. As the Church Lady would say, ”How Conveeeenient!. Just in case you don’t manage to make it to their webpage, or for some strange reason they feel compelled to remove this article from the Internet (funny how that seems to happening more and more – especially when the article dares to criticize Drinky McDumbAss and the rest of the junta), here it is in all of its’ glory:

COMMENTARY: Call it my lucky day December 13, 2002

I had one lucky morning the other day. First, there was the call from Tom DeLay -- Tom DeLay! -- majority leader of the U.S. House of Representatives. Well, OK, not actually Tom DeLay in person, but a bona fide recording of him. And get this: He invited me -- in his own recorded voice -- to be the honorary chairman of ''our'' new Business Advisory Council from the state of Ohio. The whole darn state! Not just the city or county, but the entire state of my birth.

Wasn't I flattered! Before and after Tom's message -- hey, when you are invited to be a very special part of his team, you are on a first-name basis -- his aide explained the details. And she was live!

Frankly, I didn't pay attention to most of what she said, but here's the most important thing: Agree to serve, and I would be given a National Leadership Award from the congressman. The award includes a certificate that would look mighty fine in my office.

Gee, won't all the other slobs in the newsroom be envious when they see that! I mean, wow, they didn't even know I had an office!

Now, I'm no easy sell. I asked some pretty pertinent details. Like: What size is the certificate? Does it come matted and framed? What kind of paper is it on? Unfortunately, the aide didn't know.

''I apologize,'' she said. ''I haven't seen it.''

I also casually wondered just what my duties would be.

''Just give your ideas,'' she said.

And to whom would I give these ideas?

''Congress,'' she replied.

All of Congress?

''It's the whole Congress, I do believe so,'' she said. ''And not just Congress, but other key people.''

Key people and me!

I told her to definitely count me in. She asked for my fax number, and I promptly got a fax with the scoop from, it turns out, not the whole Congress but the next best thing: the National Republican Congressional Committee.

Most of the fax pretty much repeated what she and Tom had already told me, but there was one tiny point they had left out.

It would cost me 100 bucks. Preferably 500.

Wasn't I stunned! So Tom didn't really want me just for my mind! Apparently someone had gotten to him and told him how little value that has. What a disappointment! Still, I really would like to give him a piece of my mind.

I just can't spare the C-note to do it.

Things turned around fast, though. In just a few minutes, I picked up another important phone call. This one told me I had won a vacation to Las Vegas! No kidding! Three days and two nights, including hotel and airfare!

Wasn't I thrilled! This message also came by way of a recording -- this one from someone named Jennifer -- and all I had to do was call another number to confirm. Of course, I promptly dialed (or is it toned?) it up.

Drat! No one was standing by to take my call. I got yet another recording. This one had me press 2 if I was a lucky winner from Ohio. That did the charm! A new recording informed me that there were no strings attached. Absolutely none!

I could pick up my tickets at various specified times. And I'd be treated to a ''90-minute reception.'' That would be enough time for -- well, something about a presentation from a travel club.

What a bummer! I declined. I felt used, abused, outraged. Makes me want to complain to Congress. Think Tom will take my call?

Each Friday Morning Journal columnist Richard J. Osborne shares his perspective on the people and events that shape our lives.

©The Morning Journal 2002

Exhibit B: BartCop received this email the other day:

From: "Michael Davis" MDavis@FirstCallAssociates.com

Subject: you guys are retarded

I'm glad gore lost - otherwise, you liberals would be in Afghanistan sucking the Taliban's dicks or in Washington butt slamming one another celebrating how well Gore avoided any controversy.

The military would be further shrinking, continuing Clinton the intern fucker's policies, to placate the religious zealots of the middle east. Meanwhile, Sadam and his demon sons and other belligerents would be continuing their attacks on us in the U.S.

I think California should secede from the union and the U.S banish you dumb asses to the left coast where we won't have to worry about you sacrificing my country to the America-haters.

Eat shit and die slowly and painfully.

Michael Davis

First, some feedback from the Funny Farm:
Bite me, you thickheaded bigot! It's my country too! As for Afghanistan, where's your boy Chimpy and his promise to "hunt down bin Laden, and bring him to justice?". How are things in Afghanistan these days? You think they like us better now that the junta's in charge over there? Oh, that's right - they're not. And the warlords are worse than the Taliban was, but braindead rednecks like you could care less. It's not your sister in prison for life because she forgot to wear her burlap sack yesterday.
Oh, and the military is still shrinking. The reserves are being 'requested' to stay on reserve longer because people aren't signing up so much anymore. Drinky McDumbAss showed them that he could desert for over a year, but they would get their names up on the Vietnam memorial. Or didn't you hear that from Rush?
I am proud to be American - until I hear idiots like you try and speak on her behalf. I wish they could build a fence around Tax-Ass and throw all you half-wit neo-Fascists in there. Toss in lots of guns and ammo, too. You'd be an extra in a new Deliverance movie before you could say "It's not my fault".
No need to tell you what to eat and how to die. You're made of excrement, and Smirky's gonna take all your Social Security and pensions (mine too!) for himself. Besides, it sounds like you're not living too well now, what with all that Repugnicant drivel rattling around the growrth attached to the top of your neck. And especially since you'll probably get fired for your little temper tantrum. Have a nice life!

If you would like to talk to his employers and express your opinion about an employee using company email services to send something of this nature, please feel free to contact them at:

First Call Associates, Inc.
50 Avon Meadow Lane, Building 50
Avon, CT 06001 U.S.
Phone: 860-284-1040
Toll Free: 888-289-1040
Fax: 860-284-1041
Contact: Adrian Clark

I would respectfully suggest that a few hours’ worth of calls on their toll free number listed above might cause First Call Associates to discuss this matter with Mr. Davies. It might even cause them to reconsider keeping him on the payroll…

And, in case you don’t remember, a while back somebody got fired for doing something like this. He didn’t swear or make bigoted remarks, either. They just fired him for criticizing a Congressman.

Exhibit C: Henry Kissinger and Cardinal Law both decided to call it quits within the last 24 hours. As per standard BFEE policy, they did it on a Friday night after Smirk left for the weekend, when the news would be muted by the upcoming weekend. Here at the Funny Farm, we say: Good riddance to bad baggage.

Okay, kids… time to pack up my troubles in the old kit bag for the weekend. Enjoy yourselves until I can get back to you!

13 December 2002

Happy Holly Days

These festive nuggets brought to you courtesy of Drinky McDumbAss and the rest of the junta:

- 'Compassionate Conservatives' in Action! Bush Administration Proposes $300M Cut in Heating Aid to Needy (this is the tag line for the story at Yahoo)

- 'Compassionate Conservatives' in Action! Part Two: Bush Proceeds With 'Faith-Based' Plan. Hey Chimpy - don't let anything like due process, or the will of the people, stand in your way! Oh, that's right... you don't. "Who cares what you think?" "I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being the President. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don't feel like I owe anybody an explanation." Sound like anyone you know?

- From John at Overboard: New York transit system might not be transiting anyone after Sunday. What? You thought you could ask for a raise because your services are needed? I thought that's what this country was all about - making as much as you can. Or is that only for the elite?

- Last but not least: a holiday pic for your bemusement (thanks MoPaul):

A Christmas present from the world's leading war criminal

12 December 2002

That Christmas Thang

Time to take a break from my current Christmas project - recording some old albums which my parents played to death when I was but a youngling, and putting them on CDs – and rant about a few things:

News Item 1: In Georgia, some braindead cracker is trying to push legislation that will give unborn babies the right to a jury trial (thanks to John at Overboard for pointing this one out). Hmmmm… we can’t represent people properly when they go to court now, and the courts are clogged up with all sorts of frivolous legal hijinks. So – let’s start giving fetuses attorneys! Pa will be so proud – I can now specialize in unborn infant injury law!

For the record, I am personally against abortion. If you don’t want the kid, you shouldn’t get pregnant in the first place. But I am also firmly convinced that the whole right-to-life nonsense is about control, not the unborn. There are a bunch of old men who are up in arms about this one. Old men who have never had to go through any of the crap a woman does, much less the pregnancy gig. And they think they have the right to tell a woman what she can or can’t do – especially in this situation? Sort of like asking a Catholic priest about how to be successful in marriage. Oh, wait… they do that too, don’t they? Why don’t they ask priests about abusing power in the name of God, or child molesting, or prevarication, or going financially bankrupt instead of morally bankrupt and enabling child molestation for 20 years? So, to sum this point up: I’m not personally in favor of abortion, but it’s not my decision to make. I should make sure the woman in question makes her own decision, and help her do what she decides to do.

One of these days I will get around to much lengthier discussions on the topics of abortion and religion. But not today…

News Item 2: Trent Lott and the White Supremist Republican Party. Whoo-boy! You guys are just finding out that Lott, Delay, Armey and the rest of the good ol’ boys running the country are racist redneck honkys? Really? It’s been on record for quite some time. At least you know Drinky McDumbAss isn’t like that. He’s an elitist – the only color that matters to him is green.

News Item 3: Chimpy sends out biggest Christmas card mailing ever. Not getting one? That’s because you didn’t give enough cash to the junta yet. But you will. Oh, yes, you most assuredly will… By the way, this comes right after: Shrub cuts government pay increase from 4.1% to 3.1%, the Conservative Media TM goes nuts about John Kerry’s haircut but remains strangely silent about the Moron-in-Chief’s $2,000-plus custom made Oxxford suits and his payoffs to political cronies?

That’s enough for today, people. I’ll tell you about the whole fascinating process of rescuing distressed vinyl another time (and actually manage to make another blog entry in the process. How the heck do writers manage to find enough topics to write about something every day?).

11 December 2002

Short and Sweet

I finally got to some of my email after a long and enjoyable sojourn with my Sig-O. Mike Finley is putting out a pretty good blog, and I think you should take a look at it from time to time. If you miss it today, from now on you can find it in the Funny Farm Links ZoneTM.

Blogging here at the Funny Farm will be a hit and miss affair until next year (which begins on Boxing Day [December 26] in the Hobbit Calendar). 'Tis the season, y'know... I'm converting some old vinyl to CD form for Ma and Pa, making Christmas cards, and performing various other Santa-like activities in my spare time. I'm sure I will be able to spare a few moments to update here - it just won't be as near the top of the list for a while. Somehow I think you will all manage to muddle through in spite of this handicap. 8-)

10 December 2002

Random Thoughts for Today

- BartCop has asked anyone with a website to post a copy of this picture, taken in 1983 when RayGun was supplying So Damn Insane with biological and chemical weapons (illegally, but that never even slowed down the RayGun administration), on their sites:

Don Rumsfeldo accepts the allegiance of the Middle Eastern mob boss

- one of my co-workers informed me that they are naming an aircraft carrier after Bush41. Will it be called the U.S.S. Voodoo Ecomonics, the U.S.S. Papadoc Bush, or the U.S.S. BFEE?

- how come Pigboy can dodge military service with a boil on his butt, yet sit on his lying fat fascist ass three hours a day while he spews Repugnicant propaganda on the Elitist Ignorant Bu!!shitter network?

- there's a new Flash animation down here on the Funny Farm. Take a look at Technical Difficulties. With thanks to Don at Blah3 for once again blazing the trail for Your Humble Narrator.

***Late Breaking Update*** Iraq is going Christmas shopping for weapons from the UK (and Lockheed's UK branch)!. I guess once we sell them some more WMD, we can then invade their ass and take them away... isn't BFEE greed wonderful to behold?