05 February 2004

A Trifecta of Canadian Humour

I’m sure I’ll be getting many more of these from my good friend Snoot (and you know who you are) over in the Great White North. But for now this is the third in a series of posts of some jokes forwarded to one of my many online email addresses. They were bestowed upon my consciousness by one of my friends in the wilds of Soviet Canuckistan. Enjoy!

I’ve figured it out

Through months of self-analysis I’ve finally figured it out… this is why I don’t seem to get everything done in a day that I figure I should. I’m suffering from “A.A.A.D.D.”. I think I caught it from my Sig-O*, or did my Sig-O* catch it from me? The real question here is: See if this is you:

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself: I decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first, but then I think that since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my chequebook off the table and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I'd better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight, when I go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one cheque in my chequebook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to close friends you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. Don't laugh – if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! And if I have sent this to you before.... well, now you know why you're getting it again...

* - Sig-O = Significant Other. The joke has been slightly altered to make it more generic.

01 February 2004

Hoisting Them By Their Own Petard

I was reading in BartCop earlier today that you could send letters to the prosecutors on Rush Limbaugh’s criminal cases. So I thought I would take a (very) few minutes on this busy Sunday and utilize this fine service:

Dear Sirs:

It is my understanding that you have been investigating Rush Limbaugh on a number of charges, from doctor shopping and possible controlled substance abuse to money laundering and perjury. You have been investigating a public citizen whose opinions on law enforcement have been rather draconian, and who has taken pride in asking for people to do the right thing, admit they made the wrong choices , and pay the penalty for their transgressions, over the public airwaves for the last few decades.

This is a textbook case for your office. You should show Rush the exact same amount of compassion you give anyone else accused of these crimes. You should also confiscate all of his ill gotten gains from drug dealing, doctor shopping, and money laundering, and require him to undergo the same processing that all convicted felons are supposed to. You should pursue this to the full extent of the law, as you would any similar case.

To do that would be to give Rush honor and respect, more than Rush's own moral code gives to one of the many that Rush himself has dishonored over the years (the Kennedys and the Clintons spring immediately to mind). But it is what I ask you to do in this situation, if only to allow some sort of record of the Way Things Really Are to be made for public consumption.


The Funny Farm

NFL (No Fun League) Update

The National Football League has decided to threaten legal action against Las Vegas casinos for charging people to attend Super Bowl parties. Apparently they figured out they couldn't make any money off of the spin off gambling others might exploit their broadcast for their own benefit. And, of course, they point out that they are an equal opportunity party crasher - you can't charge admission to view a public broadcast without blowing some graft back to the powers that be.

I can't complain about the football at all this year. The playoffs were spectacular, and even if the Super Bowl is a blowout once again tonight the season as a whole has been a positive experience. Koresh knows we need a few of those in our lives these days. Our psychic connections tell us that Carolina looks an awful lot like the Raiders, and DelHomme (The Man!) looks a lot like Plunkett. Then again, the Pats haven't lost since September (!) and are better than they were two years ago when they earned the Lombardi trophy. I hope the game and the surrounding entertainment goes well for everybody, and nobody has any heart attacks this year if there's a good game once again (not to mention any friends of mine by name or anything, Doug).

Shot in the dark prediction: Carolina 24, New England 21.