05 July 2003

Anniversary Time

No, I haven’t been doing this for a year yet. That celebration will be taking place at the end of September. This is something much more personal.

A year ago, I met a wonderful young lady, who I am happy to say has been my girlfriend since then. We’ve spent the time enjoying ourselves, travelling across North America, and figuring out where we go from here. So, won’t you do me a favor, and direct your positive thoughts our way?

And, thanks baby. You have made my life so much better, just by being around. I look forward to many years of candlelight dinners, mushy lovey dovey stuff, and road trips. We’ve come quite a long way in a year, haven’t we? I hope you have had almost as much fun as me along the way.

Happy Anniversary! You’re the best, baby...

04 July 2003

The Funny Farm Song for Independence Day 2003

Brother Joman, turn it up and listen to it twice
. I wonder if I ask nice, maybe I can get an mp3 of this, or perhaps a CD full of protest music in collaboration with some other independent and (ahem) under-employed musicians under this badministration? Might we be able to give Blah3, Symbolman, and Take Back The Media a much needed shot in the arm of cash by selling a hundred of these next week? If you like this idea, and would be willing to shell out ten bucks for eighty minutes of good indy music – let me know, I’ll talk to the powers that be about the idea, and if they’re willing and able, we could have it in your hot little hands by the end of July. September at the latest if this idea catches fire. So think about it while you listen to this song: (We apologize in advance to those of you on dialup, who may not hear this song in all its' glory)

Idiot Son Of An Asshole

He's not smart, a C student
And that's after buying his way into school
Beady eyes, and he's kinda dyslexic
Can he read? No one's really quite sure
He signs stuff and he executes people
Maybe that's why, he doesn't have any friends
Cocaine and a little drunk driving
Don't matter, when you're the Commander in Chief.

Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole

Put on some make-up, turn on the 8-Track,
I'm putting a week back on the shelf,
Suddenly I'm the President, of the United States,
But then I woke up, and realized I'm still me.

He's too dumb, to eat pretzels,
apparently smart enough to fix an election.
Moved boldly into the White House,
but most people voted against him.
He likes naps, He's good at naptime,
A couple of naps and then a nap and then he's ready for bed,
He may be from Bush decent,
He's always gonna be unpresident

[Crowd joins in chorus]
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole
Idiot son of an asshole
He's the idiot son of an asshole

He's our president!

Independence Day Celebration

Live Free or Die!
Live Free or Die!Live Free or Die!Live Free or Die!Live Free or Die!Live Free or Die!Live Free or Die!Live Free or Die!
Live Free or Die!
Live Free or Die!Live Free or Die!Live Free or Die!
Live Free or Die!

Why don't you spend a bit of time this Independence Day finding out about the Real Land of the Free in 2003?

Go check it out before it gets censored by AssKKKroft and the Injustices.

03 July 2003

And the Rich get Richer...

Thanks to another of our far-flung correspondents who took the time out of his busy schedule to tell his father about it, who then told me, so that I could share it with the rest of you:
Selanne, Kariya signed by Colorado Avalanche. They're both unrestricted free agents, so I'm guessing that truckloads of coin were involved.

Update: The Dead Things Red Wings pick up local (Sterling Heights) boy Darien Hatcher to bolster (cough) their defense.

Sigh. At least (I'm hoping) this means that we won't have to worry about seeing 'the Mighty Ducks' on the Cup any time soon. But it sounds like we might see the ex-Dicks Avalanche name on it again. Farging bastiches! I wonder if they'll ask Patrick to come out of retirement for another run at the Big Silver Bowl...

As for my Habbies, they may have pulled off a good draft this year. Which means we're a couple of years away from seeing the talent we drafted improve the team. They got two huge (six foot five) defensemen, a couple of small forwards and a lot of big ones, and forward Andrei Kastsitsyn from Russia's Central Army, who they picked with the tenth overall spot. Only 18, but looked pretty good in the World Junior (hockey) Championships earlier this year. Looks like Buddy Bob might have helped us out already. And we need it - we only have until the 2009-2010 season to get another Cup and keep a streak alive: the Montreal Canadiens have won a Stanley Cup in every decade that they have been a hockey franchise in the NHL. That's nine decades in a row, if you're counting. I'd love to see that streak go for an even hundred years. But, hey - that's just me. And about a quarter of a billion Habs fans around the world...

A Poll by Wolf Blitzer that You May Not Have Seen on CNN

From Noon EST July 1, 2003, Wolf Blitzer Reports:

Do you think President Bush will be re-elected In 2004?

Yes 1400 12 percent
No 10206 88 percent

If any consolation could be found by Ditto Monkeys in this survey, it for one included me, who, while fearing that Drinky McaWol will in fact be president for the next five years, he will still not be re-elected. Mainly because he was never elected in the first place.

Well, I Tried

It seems that the Truth Laid Bear’s system for counting votes in his New Blog Showcase initiative doesn’t count multiple links to these blog posts. So I guess trying to add extra votes to Rush Limbaughtomy won’t work. And the Pontificator’s link doesn’t seem to be registering a vote for him at all. Maybe because it doesn't look like a permanent link to the TLB processes?

Oh well. At least now I know a little bit more about how the system works. And I didn’t miss the deadline! Why don’t you go over there, check up on some of our newest neighbors, and, if you have a blog registered in the ecosystem, link to the posts you like. It’s that simple.

Special extended weekend guerilla blogging hours will commence immediately following the conclusion of my regular day job this evening. Now, it’s time for all you wild and crazy Americans to blow off some steam. Have a good holiday, if you are lucky enough to get it!

Empty Headed Stepford Telebimbo speaks - NOT!

Because she has more to say . . . Beginning soon, Ann regularly will offer her thoughts on issues and ideas of the day here on her blog, CoulterGeist, exclusively on Human Events Online. If you thought her weekly column and her books raised the ire of liberals, wait until the Left gets a load of CoulterGeist.

See, Ann Thraxx – even a clown like me has the time, skill and ability (cough) to point out how stupid you make yourself look on the national media stage on a daily basis, and you can’t even be bothered to talk about it on your highly publicized non-existent documentation of 'more of what Ann Coulter has to say' tax dodge to hide the boatload of cash for fluffing for Norquist and Scaife revelations of a hate filled ten year old on the playground, and typically empty, like so many other Repugnicant promises, blog.

And it looks like someone else may have noticed as well. I'm pretty sure I could find a few others, if I really bothered to try. But since you've already enticed enough links to be an Adorable Little Rodent in the ecosystem, I have little to say. Except, as usual, the system is frelled...

I am also extremely confident that whenever we finally do get a load of Coultergeist, it will definitely be considered a load of messy, smelly shite dren kimchee by most rational adults on the face of the planet.

02 July 2003

The New Blog Showcase Over at the Truth Laid Bear

Well, NZ Bear has had this showcase of new blogs going. And there are a number of interesting contestants under review there. I hope the contest isn’t over, because I’d like to make a few nominations, before announcing my choice for best of this blog and pony show. Yes – I have been waiting for the right moment to use that phrase...

Anyhow, I managed to get through all the contestants on the list. I’m going to try and restrain myself in only voting for three of the entries proportionately.

La troisième étoile – de tird star - : the Chitra Talkies is a sad strange, tale about another world that is close to being outside of my comprehension. Plus, this blogger has put a number of pictures that help out the story in amongst the dialogue. I’m hoping Nancy Ghandi is not another Mary Rosh. Even if that was true – hey, everybody needs a hobby, right?

La deuxième étoile – de second star - : Catallarchy makes an excellent point, with a kewl gladiator picture (I wonder what GenlJC would say if he were still around?). And he makes an important differentiation between patriotism and nationalism. But his logic is flawed when he makes it. I agree a lot more with the rebuttal (go to the original link, and change the 47 to 53 in the URL on the address line). And it is somewhat of a fine distinction when Repugnicants are abusing both terms in their mad lust for world domination. So Catallarchy gets the second place ribbon here at the Funny Farm.

Et, la première étoile – an de firs star - : Rush Limbaughtomy. While Barry loses some points for spelling and grammar, he more than make up for it in style. Nicely tying a lot of stuff together, along with some nice linking to other opinions which support his point, as well as recognizing the opposing viewpoint just long enough to rip it to shreds. While I don’t quite agree – from my recollection Jennings Bryan had some rudimentary logical skills even when left off his handler’s leash, which right away puts him far in front of PR Smirk - Barry still makes the argument eloquently. And he adds his own audience participation, which is the clincher for me. Rush Limbaughtomy gets our first best of show rating!

Aw – what the heck! I tried to restrain myself, but I see all those big goose eggs sitting up on the board. So I think I should give honorable mentions to Cowgirl Cries, The Populist (even though you’re wrong. The American Revolution was the first modern guerilla war, not the Boer War), and Mazes and Walls (why didn’t you submit your Weiner Savaging post?!? D’oh!).

And a big thanks to the Truth Laid Bear for finding yet another way for us to waste even more time finding out things we’re probably better off not knowing in the first place!

Extra Extra!

Sent to us by a field reporter for the Funny Farm News Burrow:

Rush Limbaugh explodes while on vacation in Chile!
PigBoy beached in Puerto Montt
Chilean scientists are baffled by a huge, gelatinous sea creature found washed up on the southern Pacific coast and were seeking international help identifying the mystery specimen. The dead creature was mistaken for a beached whale when first reported about a week ago, but experts who went to see it said the 40-foot-long mass of decomposing lumpy gray flesh apparently was an invertebrate. Chilean scientists look at the creature near Puerto Montt, July 1, 2003. Scientists said on Wednesday that the huge mass may be a rare type of giant octopus or just discarded whale blubber. (Jose Luis Saavedra/Reuters)

01 July 2003

The Democratic Contract for America

I really like the way they think over at Blah3. I hope this resonates with all of you as much as it did with me.

'A Democratic Contract With America'
by Rich Proctor

The Democrats have to stop playing defense and go on the attack. If I read one more article declaring the Democrats are in 'disarray' as they 'struggle to find their voice' and 'decide on a winning message they can use against this popular President' I'll woof my cookies.

I'm going to take a page out of the Republican playbook and create a dynamite Democratic marketing tool. Newt Gingrich got a hundred million dollars worth of free publicity with his famous 'Contract With America.' People liked it because it was blunt, forthright and unequivocal. Of course Gingrich's Republicans never had the guts to pass most of it (especially the 'balanced budget amendment' ­ see below), but they still got credit for being bold ­ EXACTLY the image the Democrats need to cultivate.

I'd like to propose THE DEMOCRATIC CONTRACT WITH AMERICA. Every proposal is a common sense pitch that plays to a Democratic strength and a Republican weakness. The whole point of this document (like the Republican original) is to pick a fight with other guys ­ to dare them to disagree with you. The Democrats need to take the fight to the Republicans, and beat them with a marketing club that even '50 million Republican ad dollars can't fend off.

Just to rub it in, the FIRST ACT is taken virtually WORD FOR WORD from the Gingrich document:

1. THE FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY ACT: 'A balanced budget amendment to restore fiscal responsibility to an out-of-control Congress, requiring them to live under the same budget constraints as families and businesses.'

Thanks, Newtie. This is a proposal whose time has clearly come, with the wildly irresponsible Republican wastrels approving billions in new spending even as they destroy America's ability to raise money with insane 'breaks for billionaires' tax cuts.

2. THE AMERICANS RIGHT TO HEALTH CARE ACT: This act simply states that basic health care is a RIGHT. The Republicans want to pretend health care is just another consumer item subject to the whims of the free market, like video games and Diet Pepsi. Try telling that to an uninsured working class mother who can't pay for radiation treatments for her six year old daughter. Anyone with real compassion knows health care is a RIGHT, because you can't live (literally) without it.

3. THE EVERY CORPORATION PAYS ITS FAIR SHARE ACT: According to the BushCo rules, Halliburton gets billion dollar no-bid, open-ended government contracts even as it uses a post office box in Bermuda to avoid paying its fair share in taxes here in its alleged home base of America. Other corporations also enjoy the benefits of American life while dodging the price, leaving ordinary 'suckers' to pick up the tab. That's wrong. The Republicans approve of this outrage. That's evil. The Democrats demand an end to this NOW.

4. THE PROTECT OUR PRECIOUS ENVIRONMENT FOR OUR GRANDCHILDREN ACT: Bans anyone from working for the Environmental Protection Agency, the Interior Department and the Department of Energy who has worked in any business or industry that has a vested interest in weakening or destroying environmental rules and regulations. No more polluters making the rules and writing the laws that make it easy for them to pillage our sacred natural resources.

5. THE GUARANTEED SAFETY NET ACT: Social Security and Medicare are beloved, effective public benefit programs. They are an unbreakable promise we've made to our elderly citizens. They are not to be 'privatized,' 'right-sized' or 're-invented' out of existence. HANDS OFF.

6. THE FREEDOM FROM ARAB OIL ACT: Mandates that American automobile (and truck, and SUV) standards must improve by three miles a gallon immediately. This is easily achievable with existing technology. Had we done this ten years ago, thousands of Iraqis and hundreds of American soldiers would be alive today. It's time our troops stop dying for oil we wouldn't need if we acted in our own best interest.

7. THE GUARANTEED MEDIA DIVERSITY ACT: Returns media rules to pre-1994 levels, when media giants were banned from owning hundreds of outlets. Consumers want MORE choice, not less. Whether these media giants can achieve 'synergy' by 'streamlining their operations' is no concern of government in parceling out precious public property like airwaves.

8. THE INTEGRITY AND ACCOUTABILITY IN GOVERNMENT ACT: Forbids Senators and Congressmen (like Bill Frist and Tom DeLay) from voting on legislation (like special breaks for Eli Lilly and Westar) after they've taken money from them.

9. THE POWELL DOCTRINE FOREIGN INTERVENTION ACT: Demands that Congress satisfy all aspects of the 'Powell Doctrine' before voting to commit troops to a foreign war. A VITAL US INTEREST must be at stake. Our OBJECTIVES must be CLEARLY DEFINED. We must be willing to SUSTAIN A COMMITMENT that is CLEARLY LAID OUT IN ADVANCE OF THE ACTION. We must have a REASONABLE EXPECTATION THE PUBLIC WILL SUPPORT THE OPERATION. We must have a VIABLE EXIT STRATEGY. We must have EXHAUSTED OUR OTHER OPTIONS before taking action.

You don't have to be a Beltway Pundit to see that the United States invasion of Iraq fails just about every one of Mr. Powell's criteria.

Here's a blasting cap the Democrats can use to blow up the Republicans. To paraphrase Mr. Gingrich, 'How can even the most RIGHT WING REPUBLICAN come out against a balanced budget? The Powell Doctrine? Media Diversity? Integrity in government? And yet the Bush/Rove/Cheney/Rummy/Norquist Administration is vulnerable on every one of these points.
It's time to think like Democrats, and market ourselves with the 'no guts, no glory' boldness of the Republicans.

Huge props to Rich Proctor for this initiative. What say ye, my brothers?

Disclaimer: Don's original post of Rich's essay neglected to contain ten points. The Funny Farm News Burrow has cleverly inserted an act of our own into our version of the contract. Can you spot our handiwork?

Disclaimer Update: Now you don't have to. We have been asked to pull it from the essay. So here it is. We think it should be between numbers 4 and 5 in the essay. Remember, this is not Rich's fault. So don't go blaming him for it:

10. THE FREEDOM OF EQUALITY FOR HUMANITY ACT: There are to be no legalized restrictions on the rights of any individual's actions, provided they do no harm to others. Also, the legalized fiction of the corporation, which was written into legal history by a file clerk, is abolished, and corporations can no longer attempt to be considered the same as 'persons' in the eyes of the law.

Late Breaking Update: Our sources have informed us that the Army Times has scrubbed the recent editorial about Drinky McDumbAss and the God Squad paying lip service to our soldiers. But we know where it still lives on the Net. Oh yes we do.

Like, Happy Canada Day, eh?

true North Strong and FREE
true North Strong and FREEtrue North Strong and FREEtrue North Strong and FREE
true North Strong and FREE
true North Strong and FREE Flag
true North Strong and FREEtrue North Strong and FREE
true North Strong and FREE
true North Strong and FREE

Some Hard Decisions

It’s time for a little pruning in the Funny Farm Links Zone. Some people have decided to hang it up, at least for the time being. And others who have been included here, previously, but were dropped because I decided it was time for them to go, have been re-evaluated.

So it’s time to bid a fond farewell to Baconslab, Pax Liberalis, Jesus’ General, the POTUSblog, Cheney’s Undisclosed Location, the Temple of GeeDuhBYa, and clue. If any of you start up again, and are within reading distance of this post, please let me know, and I’ll put you back where you belong.

I’m also adding GeekPol back to the lists, and welcoming a few new interesting sites into the fold. If there are any other small-audience blogs who might like a link and/or might like my hordes of dedicated fans (cough) to view their webspace on a semi-regular basis, please give me a shout. I’ll check your work out, and do my best to honor your request.

I’d also like to commend the Rush Limbaugh transcripts page. Whoever did the makeover over there did a wonderful job – they’re putting some highlighted comments from the group up on the front page, and have reorganized things to make it look better. Go check it out if you get a minute...

30 June 2003

A Special Message to Move On dot org from El Chupa Cabra

One of the other transcribers had the honor (cough) of finding this scintillating bit of kimchee from the vile Pigboy:

People are gonna assume this is the mainstream of the Democratic Party participating in the MoveOn.org primary vote. This is a virtual primary vote it’s being called, and this is just evidence. I’ve told you for the longest time that the mainstream of the Democratic Party is now totally dominated by the far left wing wackos and kooks, and it is true. And they are totally animated and governed by their seething, hatred and rage for George W. Bush. That is a close second in things that animate them is their seething rage for this country in general. They are just angry people and the candidates that fire them up the most on the basis of their anger are gonna get their support.

Using PigBoy’s lack of logic here, wouldn’t the candidate that arouses the most anger here at the Funny Farm, the Unelected Moron, get my support? Any time the vile one figures out decides to hold some kind of online Repugnicant poll, he can chalk me down in the ‘supports’ column. Or maybe not. With all this fancy electronical stuff, maybe he can just spoof a whole bunch of email addresses into his results. All indications point to the Idiot King being unopposed in the Repugnicant primary anyways, so no doubt all that will be needed is the olive oil and the scepter. Didn’t all those pompous Emperors of yore have a scepter?

Wouldn’t it be a hoot if MoveOn decided to skew any poll results the Pigboy would try to create? Or, oh, I don’t know, flood one of his Friday’s shows with calls and stuff?

I think the millions of us MoveOn.org members should begin an active Pigboy watch. Go to Take Back the Media’s Boycott Limbaugh page. Tell the rest of your MoveOn buddies to do the same. Don’t go to Auto Zone, Geico, Onstar, Overstock.com, eHarmony, Radio Shack*, or any of the other sponsors of this bloated gasbag. Don’t give your dollars to companies that support this sort of hate radio. Tell any moderates you see what Rush Limbaugh said. Ask them what they think of someone saying that Lieberman, Gephardt, Kerry, Daschle, and all their ilk are all far left wing wackos and kooks - because they run the Democrats right now. They are the mainstream Democrats, not Dean.

If anyone you know has any shred of respect for the 2 Million a Month Man, (as always, we try to be conservative with the numbers here at the Funny Farm) would you kindly use any of the voluminous excretions already available to you at the mirror sites to show them the error of their ways?

To correct the record, and tell you, gentle reader, about the truth of the matter is what we’re here for. There was a virtual primary, and factual results you can see on this page. I think that this result is extremely indicative of the membership, and that the more moderate-right candidate won the election. The more I hear about Dean the more I wonder about Dean. A lot of that is possibly Media Whore spinning on Dean, but still I wonder. It appears that I'm not the only one.

Also, Kucinich got Freeped if the whispers around Blogistan are true. Any way you slice this virtual primary, it shows that there are a large number of people who are concerned about the situation, and a large number of ways that they think it should be taken care of. I wish the frelling Greens would try and join in instead of going off on their own, non-negotiable, terms. They are the radical Left fringe. PigBoy is so blinded by his rage (which of course he transfers to us in his vile rants, often using our own talking points as if they sprung from the Norquist Weekly Blaast Faxxes. Not that I’ve noticed while recording the foul utterances he spews forth or anything), he lumps Nader and the Greens in that big rabble of far left wing wackos and kooks. I’m sure he knows better – but that’s the line he’s selling to the sheeple, people!

Now I think one of the significant and overlooked datum is that only about 320,000, or (using a conservative estimation of the membership of 1,125,000), twenty-eight percent voted. Of a supposed progressive action group whose membership is determined to try and help the Democratic Party win the next election. Which to me sounds to be a little worse than the normal apathy rate. Maybe. I don’t know. After all, it all really doesn’t matter anyhow, right? I don’t know as though I could do anything about it...

Does anybody else see what’s wrong with this picture?

* - There was a commercial of Radio Shack’s playing in between the news breaks on the ABC station carrying El Chupa Cabra where our current recording is coming from. I’m sure that they will claim to be advertising during the news, not the Limbaugh program – but I don’t buy it for a second. I would love to suggest that you all write ABC and ask them to pull Limbaugh off of their network, but how far do you go with that? And, now that the conglomeration will be so inbred that we won’t be able to tell where ABC leaves off and Disney begins and who gets what money in which situation, what do you do? What do you do?

29 June 2003

More Weiner Savagings

The alert staff at the Funny Farm News Burrow have found a few more of the usual suspects who were complicit in our appropriations. Why don't you go here and check out some of the stragglers, and why some contributions were not quite as, er, impressive as I personally expected them to be. Which of course is not meaning to be any kind of implication of deficiency on their parts.

And, in the course of doing the small amount of digging I have done so far, it appears as though congratulations are in order for the proprietor of GeekPol on the occasion of his nuptials. Best wishes for a long and happy life together!

Late Mid-Early After-Evening Nightly (but never at dusk!*) Update

Bartcop Radio is up and running. I'm kinda trying to do a little side-by-side compaison, and apart from the rest of the new radio show (number five in the test run-up) to download, I can't see a lot of stuff. Oh, yeah - Tommy Mack has an mp3 there that I can't wait to hear. And Tally, the Weather Vixen has one too. But other than that, nothing extra. Both sites have three really good pieces of Ditto Monkey Spankings, Betty Bowers, and some other stuff.

What? You're not a member? Maybe you should sign up - for $60US a year (a regular $5/month subscription), BartCop Radio can be yours. A steal at five times the price! Go here, and sign up today!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Sunday night malaise...

* - with all due homage to Steve Martin for inspiring this title

Sunday Afternoon Funny

Once Liberal Oasis gets done digesting the Sunday morning adult cartoons on TV Media Whore Weekly Spin Orientation government talking points sessions, er, Sunday Morning with the Politicians, and shows us how to analyze it ourselves, while expressing their opinion of what they heard, I might check it out. It seems to mean so much more to my life these days than it used to. Not that I want it to or anything. But it keeps happening. So I should check it out this weekend, just to make sure.

In the meantime, Garry Trudeau sends it out of the park once again with his Sunday Doonesbury cartoon. When a cartoonist can satirize the head of the NRA shaming (I'm guessing, at least a part of) Congress for disarming the Iraqis, well, once again we're glad that the Irony Overload Alert siren is still busted around here.

I wonder if people will look back on these times as a golden age of cartoons. I mean, over the last fifty years or so, I'm sure any one of the billions of TV addicts would recognize the cartoon characters provided to us by Disney, Warner Brothers, Hanna Barbera, Marvel, DC, and many others (in this age of media consolidation, a couple of those might have swallowed each other by now, but, hey, that's show business, baby!) if we were shown them right now.

Tonight's a school night, and personal things will be occupying some of our time here at the Funny Farm. And besides, there is no way I can keep up this frenetic journalistic pace whilst being a computer geek in the real world. So go out there and look at all the wonders that Eschaton and the Daily Kos can take you to. Check out The Hamster and The ReachM High Cowboy Network Noose. There are also real starving artists (as well as at least one soon to be starving quantitative analyst with experience in health care, commodities and market research, with skills in SPSS and SQL (for example) – if you can, hire Ted Barlow today!) over in the Links Zone these days. Maybe you could consider tossing your entertainment dollar their way...

Anyways,... here ya go. I'm sure Drinky McDumbAss and the God SquadTM will outrage me sufficiently to post again soon. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this one as much as I did!

Shame shame

From the Desk of Michael Moore

While some of us were busy playing at satirizing one of the dunces Deuces in the deck of UggaBugga and busybusybusy's Bush Regime Playing CardsTM, there were others who looked at the antics of some of the big boys in the deck.

Bush Regime Playing Cards

I Never Promised You a Ruse Garden
A Letter from Michael Moore to George W. Bush

June 26, 2003

Dear Lt. George W. Bush,

I hope you don't mind me referring to you by the only true military rank you ever achieved, that being the one from your on-again, off-again "days" in the, um, Texas Air National Guard. Ever since I saw you in that flyboy outfit, landing on that ship, I assumed you now wanted to be addressed by your military title, as opposed to the civilian rank imposed on you by your dad's friends.

So, Lieutenant, I was wondering, would you do me a favor?

Could you PLEASE do better than a ROSE BUSH?

I saw the guy on TV yesterday that your boys found, the Iraqi who said he had "planted" some nuclear plans in his "back yard" in Baghdad -- 12 years ago -- "under a rose bush."

Woo boy. That's a good one. Do you really think we are as dumb as we look? I know our fascination with "American Idol" and Scott Peterson may make us Americans look a little light in the head, but when it comes to lying to us to lead us into war, we really do demand a bit more of an EFFORT and a FOLLOW-THROUGH.

You see, George, it's not the lying and the doctoring of intelligence that has me all upset. It's that you've had control of Iraq for over two months now -- and you couldn't even find the time to plant just a few nukes or vats of nerve gas and at least make it LOOK like you weren't lying to us.
You see, by not faking some evidence of weapons of mass destruction, it shows that you thought no one would mind if it turned out you made everything up. A different kind of president, who believes that the American public would be outraged if they ever found out the truth, would go to great lengths to cover up his subterfuge.

Johnson did it with the Gulf of Tonkin. He said our ships were "attacked" by the North Vietnamese. They weren't, but he knew he had to at least make it LOOK like it happened. Nixon said he wasn't "a crook," but he knew that wasn't enough, so he paid hush money to the burglars and somehow had 18 1/2 minutes erased from a tape in the Oval Office. Why did he do this? Because he knew the American people would be pissed if they found out the truth.

Your blatant refusal to back up your verbal deception with the kind of fake evidence we have become used to is a slap in our collective American face. It's as if you are saying, "These Americans are so damn apathetic and lazy, we won't have to produce any weapons to back up our claims!" If you had just dug a few silo holes in the last month outside Tikrit, or spread some anthrax around those Winnebagos near Basra, or "discovered" some plutonium with that stash of home movies of Uday Hussein feeding his tigers, then it would have said to us that you thought we might revolt if you were caught in a lie. It would have shown us some *respect*. We honestly wouldn't have cared if it later came out that you planted all the WMD -- sure, we'd be properly peeved, but at least we would have been proud to know that you knew you HAD to back up your phony claims with the real deal!
I guess you finally figured that out this week. It started to appear that millions of us were calling you on your bluff -- those "fictitious reasons for the fictitious war." So you quickly produced this man and his rose bush and some 12-year old piece of paper and some metal parts. CNN broke in at 5:15pm and screamed they had the exclusive! "IRAQI NUCLEAR PLANS FOUND!" But a few good reporters started asking some hard questions -- and, barely 3 hours later, your own administration was forced to admit the plans were "not the smoking gun" proving that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.


Never a good idea to rely on a bush, Lieutenant.


Michael Moore


PS. Sorry, I still can't get that padded flyboy suit out of my head. I know, I need help. But when you landed on that carrier, and that banner read, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED," just what mission was that that was accomplished? 'Cause by my count, more than 50 of our young soldiers have died since you said the mission was accomplished. Anarchy still reigns, the Brits are losing kids, too, and wacko fundamentalists now seem to ready to rule the land. Women are already being told to cover their face and shut their mouths, store owners who sell liquor have been executed, and movie theaters showing "immoral" Hollywood movies have been forced to shut down. And hey, this isn't even west Texas! Maybe you could get back into that jumpsuit, fly over to Baghdad and land at the former Saddam International Airport, jump out and give one of those big happy waves -- under a sign that reads, "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE."

Six Hundred and Fifty Days and Counting

Can we ask the Idiot King about bin Laden on the campaign trail? Or would we get arrested for daring to be so bold in the presence of the Anointed One? Or maybe lynched? I hear lynchings are going to be the 'in' thing this summer for the Connecticut Conservative Corps. Maybe we could ask Ann Coulter. If she ever gets the hang of this blog thing, that is. Maybe she’s waiting for her script writers. Or maybe she’s waiting for the cash to roll in through PayPal for the words she hasn't plagarized written yet.

And if we ever get interested in hearing the latest Repugnicant Blaast Faxx delivered in its most virulently hate-filled version, we might actually look at her blog. Something tells me it won’t be high on the ‘To Do’ list any time soon, though.

A Fun Game for all You Recovering Ditto Monkeys

Rush Limbaughtomy (Kewl Blog Name Alert) has started a new game – Republican Role Model of the Day. He’s even asked for some audience participation!

While we’re saddened that they didn’t join in on, or even mention, the Savage Weiner in their lists. (not even in a brief guest-a$$hole role), he did manage to point out the huge hypocrisy (there’s that word again, so I wonder who he’s talking about) of sanctifying Nixon and Thurmond. Part of that whole respect for the dead thing. Well – that’s why they’re not mentioned too much around here, except to point out singular examples of their unethical and immoral behavior. Sort of a ‘we don’t recommend doing this’ kind of thing.

Go send your suggestions to this site. If you can find a way to do it. When you do, let me know, so I can update this post with the email address I couldn’t find, and send him some suggestions of my own.

How Will the Media whores Spin this one?

Words fail to describe the frustration I feel when I realize that 85% of America has no clue that we are doing things like this in the name of the modern Idol Idiot King Sock Puppet. Run over a kid on the highway? No need to stop, if you’re an American soldier in Iraq. Or a Repugnicant with a fat enough wallet right here at home.

And the Repugnicant Spin Central mainstream media is now putting some Orwellian spin on the mounting death count. Good thing pResident Photo Op has declared Mission Accomplished, isn’t it?

Thanks to Blah3 for pointing this out to all of us.

Moving Up the Food Chain

I have now evolved from a Slimy Mollusc to a Flippery Fish in the Truth Laid Bear ecosystem. And I couldn’t have done it without you... well, you know who you are. Thanks! We used to wonder whether you saw our experiment in journalism. Now we just wonder (from time to time) if anyone, besides the hordes of nubile groupies (cough), thinks we can occasionally put some useful and entertaining stress on the information assaulting all of our senses 24/7. Not that it will stop the crap from spilling out of my melon and into this website or anything like that...