04 January 2003

The Shape of Things to Come

You gotta read this! A very nice piece of satire over at the Daily Kos by someone calling themselves Billmon (I can’t help but think “Yeah, Mon”! after reading this piece…). It is so good, Freepertrash and Ditto Monkeys (LDotards don’t get out when the sun is up) are already trying to discredit it! Even though it’s been out less than a day.

I was wrong about the amount of news the junta tried to slip under the radar last night. The only things I can see - that people who consider Faux and the Conservative News Network as a news source didn’t – were Drinky McDumbAss acting like a whiny spoiled brat (again – this gig is getting so old that even I am starting to ignore it!), and PapaDoc Bush was providing disinformation to everybody during Oil War I. Imagine my surprise when finding out that a former head of the CIA, who was known for turning that organization into more of a propaganda machine during his time there, managed to propagandize his own little oil grab. I’m shocked! How could such a tin-plated dictator with delusions of godhood fine, upstanding Repugnicant do something like lie to the American people?

Big Brother update: I looked for the article which details what Mr. Never worked a Day in His Life said to a reporter who dared to ask him about AmeriKKKA heading towards war in Iraq: "You said we're headed to war in Iraq. I don't know why you say that. I'm the person who gets to decide, not you." . Strange as it may seem, I could not find any articles with that particular reference. A Google search brings up an article on MicroSoft NBC which shows pResident Drunken Cokehead speechifying to some poor schlubs who will be fighting for BFEE oil profits. But no mention of the quote in the article or the accompanying video clip…

One can almost forget Smirky McWarhardon’s comment to Pencil Dick about a reporter they didn’t like. Holy arrogance, Batman! Looks like somebody thinks they’re above criticism. How much play did that comment get from the rest of the Media Whores anyways? As much as the lie about Gore ‘creating’ the Intenet? Or the lie about Clinton shutting down LAX while he got a haircut? Nope, no media bias there…

Okay, kids – enough puerile attempts at humor. I’m off to see some siblings this weekend. Keep your heads down – especially when you see those Predator drones flying over your zone – and have a safe and happy weekend!

03 January 2003

Thanks to BartCop for this pic!

The Drinky McDumbAss Modus Operandi, Take Two: The New Tax-Ass Two-Step

Has anyone else noticed how the Squatter-in-Thief operates? Take the Faith-Based initiatives as an example. Step One: He says he’s going to do it, without bothering to open the subject to debate. Sort of like an imperial proclamation… Usually this sort of thing generates an awful lot of opposition – after all, most people get their hackles up when being told what to do by someone who has no clue… Then, when everyone else is opposed (initially) to his royal decree, pResident Do-As-I-Say, Not-As-I-Do goes to Step Two: He drops the subject. He doesn’t say he’s going to forget about doing it. No – he’s waiting for us to forget. A while later, Smirky McWarhardon goes back to Step One: He says he’s going to do it, without bothering to open the subject to debate. If he gets strong opposition again, he repeats Step Two. This little song and dance keeps on going until AmeriKKKa finally caves. And the Deserter-in-Chief gets what he wants…

I bring this up because the Media Whores are now spinning the New Tax Plan (same as the Old Tax Plan) – more tax cuts for the rich! The new joker in the deck is a reduction in the taxes paid on corporate dividend payments. Wow! Be still my beating heart… I don’t know about you, since I don’t know if you’re in the top 2% of income earners, but for poor schlubs like me this has no effect on our income. I got no dividends on my 201K portfolio. Nada. Zip. The big goose egg. As a matter of fact, I got some increases on the maintenance fees the corpo-weasels charge to let my money stay in their greedy little paws. Enough to wipe out the interest that the part of my portfolio that I left in ‘safe’ investments made. What a coincidence!

Anyways,… time to get to work on this snowy (in metro Detroit) Friday. This being the first Friday of the New Year, look for big things to try and be slipped under the radar this evening. Hopefully the Funny Farm will be sober enough to tell you about them tomorrow…

31 December 2002

Why I Am a Republican in 2003

I am a Republican.

I am pro-life, as long as it's in the womb. I could care less about it the second it's out of the womb, which is also why I'm pro-death penalty, and anti-welfare. It doesn't matter to me that women of affluence will still be able to obtain abortions in other countries - whether they believe in it or not. It doesn't matter to me that both child and mother are endangered, the second Roe V. Wade is overturned, by unscrupulous "doctors". I believe in an ideal world, and people shouldn't be having sex. Especially if they can't deal with the consequences.

I support the Second Amendment. I don't care if we have already had a number of well-regulated militias. Guns don't kill people; people kill people. And often they use guns to do this. I don't want the government to tell me what type of weapon I can have. I need armor-piercing rounds in the event that I need to defend myself against some of those pesky armor-wearing law enforcement types. I should be able to buy a Howitzer if I can afford one. I don't want the government to check my background - they might find something that would prevent me from owning a gun.

I believe in the War on Drugs. I think a silly slogan - "Just say no" - goes a long way in preventing kids from using drugs. It doesn't matter to me that the War makes the drugs thousands of times more profitable, and provides that much more incentive to dealers and gangs. I forgot that during the 1920's, during Prohibition, there were Gangs and drive-bys and underground "labs" and corrupt police and officials. Forget rehabilitation; you reap what you sow. As I said before, I am an idealist.

I am pro-welfare. As long as it goes to Corporations that don't need it. If it goes to lazy individuals who got laid off, then I'm against it. There are too many people taking advantage of the system. No, not in the Corporations, I mean the welfare people. I don't care if you are lazy and rich. I only care if you are lazy and poor. I don't care if the crime rate will go up if people do not have options. I have a gun. Until they steal it from me because I so responsibly leave it out for burglars. I am a thoughtful person, at heart.

I believe that freedom of religion is one of the things that make this country great. That is why I believe it should be crammed down everyone's throats all the time. I believe it is my duty to save your soul. Even if this interferes with your religious freedom. While I care so much for your soul - I could care less about any other part of you. I don't want my tax dollars going to help the disadvantaged, but I don’t mind if they are used in public institutions to help "educate" the masses. I don't care if Jesus wanted to help the poor and the meek. I only look at the parts of the Bible that benefit me personally.

I don't care about the environment. I will disregard the scientific evidence, because it is only a "theory". Besides, I will be dead before the consequences affect me. My children are good Republicans, survival of the fittest, you know. Even though I don't believe in evolution, I believe they will adapt. It doesn't matter to me that the only reason not to regulate companies involved in environmental abuse is only a matter of their bottom line.

I believe that tax cuts – especially for the most wealthy - will stimulate the economy. I believe that assisting corporations and wealthy individuals is good for job growth. It doesn't matter that if the profit projections are low, or the shareholders are unhappy, that layoffs will occur. It doesn't bother me that CEO's will cut jobs before they cut their salary. They earned it. Even though the performance wasn't there. It doesn’t bother me that you can have your pay reduced, or can be fired if you are not performing, but they can’t. I don't believe that the wealthy typically accumulate wealth through continuous investment, and rarely spend the way the middle class does. This holding of assets creates jobs and is good for the economy, right? The wealth disparity in this country doesn't bother me. We all have the same opportunities, right?

I am tired of immigrants coming to this country and taking our jobs. I know a lot of hard-working American lettuce pickers. It doesn't bother me that our corporations are shipping our jobs to other countries for cheaper labor and to avoid labor regulations. I'm tired of paying taxes, which is why I can sympathize with immigrant workers who must stay undocumented. They don't have to pay taxes! I can also sympathize with corporations who profit in this country but operate assets offshore to avoid paying taxes.

I'm tired of minorities whining. They have the same opportunities as every one else. I don't want more educated minorities to have more opportunities. I don't care if they underwent, or still undergo a variety of racial prejudices and injustices. That was in the past; get over it.

I don't want to hear anymore pinko-socialist garbage. It doesn't matter to me that the military is provided to me by the contributions of all taxpayers, and defends me as it defends all. I don't care if the Interstate Highway System was built in this manner as well. Or law enforcement. Or any other number of public institutions. I could care less about Social Security, even if I neglect to realize that it will be there for me whether I need it or not. Hopefully.

I believe in a strong military. I believe in our right to pre-emptively defend ourselves, even if that is an oxymoron. Except when the country proves to be a real threat, like North Korea. I believe that this military should be composed exclusively of volunteer minorities and rural poor whites. I believe dying for oil is a noble cause for our brave minority and poor soldiers. I don’t care if our leaders were able to obtain deferments in past wars, and children of affluence will be able to do the same for the next war. Clinton was a draft-dodger and wagged the dog in Iraq. President Bush served in the Air National Guard heroically protecting the bars of Abilene, Texas. Nor can it be proved that he went AWOL, even though he wasn't there his last year. And he is not wagging the dog in regards to the Iraq situation for political or financial profit for his associates in the energy industry. Or the defense industry. Speaking of which, I do not care if a missile shield has proven unreliable. We need it to defend ourselves against terrorists, whether ir works or not.

I believe that our moral decay, and almost all of today's problems, can be traced back to one man - Bill Clinton. It doesn't matter to me that he was elected: twice. It doesn't matter to me that 50% of our nation's marriages end up in divorce, a high percentage due to infidelity. It doesn't matter that almost all politicians lie to various degrees. They shouldn't be lying about their personal lives. Keep the lying in the realm of policy and issues, thank you very much. I will credit the Republican Congress and former Republican Presidents for various achievements when it is convenient. The Democrats hold the blame for everything. Especially Clinton.

I am a Republican, and have forgotten what it means to be an American.

A BUZZFLASH READER CONTRIBUTION - By BuzzFlash Reader Joel S. January 1, 2003

Somebody - hell, everybody! - buy this guy a drink.

30 December 2002

Nothing in Particular, Everything in General

I stumbled upon these gems whilst surfing the Net in the last 24 hours. So they might be relatively new – even though most of the news I saw ‘reported’ today is so stale, that if it was a loaf of bread you could hammer nails with it…

Schlock ‘n Roll has a wonderful cartoon out this week:

 New Year’s  Schlockin’ Eve!

The Time/Conservative News Network poll that’s buzzing around the Net these days (which of course has been re-spun by Time and CNN):

Thanks to blah3.com for this picture

In other news, the Unocal pipeline has been approved – and the Media Whores are amazingly silent on the issue (but the Funny Farm wants to shout it from the blog-tops!). And the BFEE doesn’t want you to know that they supplied So Damn Insane with the toys they’re pissed at him for having. And a nifty idea has sprung up on the west coast – No Iraq War signs on the overpasses. The BFEE wants to raise taxes on the poor people, while executroids wallow in corpo-weasel excess. Our last news item for today once again redefines pResidential satire. Drinky McDumbAss quietly and hypocritically approves gay nominees for positions within the junta. The White House Parody page has an excellent satirical article about the whole situation...

I leave you with an email I sent to my good friend Ann Slanders, who briefly resurfaced to let us know he’s okay, if a tad nauseous at the shenanigans the junta are up to. Hold on to your stomach, John – you ain’t seen nothing yet!


I am very glad to hear from you. I thought the BFEE had decided you needed a holiday in Gitmo, or that your employer thought your services were best employed elsewhere.
Ally and I spent a very nice holiday together. I didn't quite coincide with Christmas (mainly because she had to work that night), but we still managed to be of good cheer.

As for the rest of things... I'm having a David Carradine Kung Fu moment here. Have you seen the Funny Farm (my latest contribution to civilized thought) lately? I don't really mind praising myself in this case - I personally think I have done an awesome job on this site. Plus, I am learning how to write! I thought it would be easy - until I actually tried doing it on a regular basis. How does anyone manage to find enough stuff to write (even) a weekly column?

I can understand the depressed feeling about AnnThraxx. I have read a couple of her columns lately, and as usual I have problems understanding how this sort of thing is considered journalism, much less how it manages to be foisted on the public as 'critical analysis'. But that's why we need to hear from you, John. True, irony and satire have been made obsolete by the BFEE. But inroads are being made. Poindexter and the TIA initiative are getting the hundred cuts treatment from a number of Internet sources (he's even had to change his phone number!). Pigboy has been restrained slightly. And BartCop seems to be becoming bigger than just a cult type of thang. The cup is half full, my friend...

Take care, John. I will be talking to you again soon...


An Abridged Boycott List

Here at the Funny Farm, we think that the best way to show that we are not pleased with the corpo-weasels and their pillaging of the globe is to stop putting money in their pockets. With that in mind, we offer the following short list of places that should be boycotted. This is by no means a comprehensive list. We cannot be absolutely sure of the intentions of some corporations. Plus, we are currently on the payroll of one (no, it really isn’t any of your business… and they are not on the list).

The companies listed below, however, are flagrantly screwing the average consumer so that their executroids can live like aristocrats – and show no remorse for doing so. I will offer a brief synopsis of their misdeeds, and point you to at least one article written recently with some of the gory details. So, without further ado:

Number 1 with a bullet is of course Wal-Mart. This webpage highlights some of the recent shenanigans they have been up to. Avoid them if at all possible.

The rest of the pack are in no particular order. No one is even close to Wal-Mart in corporate crassness – unless you consider the BFEE to be a corporation. And the BFEE has so many tendrils into the fiber of the globe, it would be hard to pin down exactly where you would be boycotting them. Plus, they already take our tax dollars to fund their Machiavellian schemes without our consent. Kinda hard to fight that, isn’t it? I would recommend staying away from Halliburton and the Carlyle Group if you can…

Borders Books has come under fire recently at Take Back the Media. Scroll down for the discussion on Borders’ war promotion practices.

Maytag is going to take their Galesburg plant operations and move them to Mexico, after receiving over $10 million in grants, loans, and a special sales tax increase specifically created to give the company incentive to stay in the area.

Eli Lily got a rider inserted into the bill to create the Homeland Security boondoggle Department.

Enron, Arthur Andersen, MCI WorldCom, and Adelphia, which have all declared bankruptcy within the last year, still seem to have the inside track on getting government contracts.

The sponsors of the Rush Limbaugh show. There are a number of boycott lists out there on the Net for Pigboy. This one hurts me in particular – I have always liked Bose speakers, and I was considering getting another set of the 901 series (or whatever they are called now) to replace the ones I lost many moons ago. (sigh) Guess not…

The Dr. Laura Collection, The Dr. Laura Foundation, The Dr. Laura Reading Corner, and anything else even remotely connected with Laura the Whore Schlessinger.

Remember, this is just a few places to avoid. In today’s climate, it looks to me like there are only a few places that are worthy of being considered to do business with. And in many cases, you have no choice but to feed the corpo-weasels – there are only a few choices you can make, and they’re all bad. For example, if you want to watch football on Sunday, your only choices are the Faux Network or the Conservative Bu!!shit Spewers. And they’re both owned by the same corporation! The Hummer commercials reached saturation point by the middle of the first quarter for Your Humble Narrator…

Try and think about where your money is going before you hand it all back to the people who are making your life miserable. And try and find some local business to give it to – if you can find one that isn’t envious of the big corporations, and tries to show some consideration for its’ customers….