24 April 2004

Major Embarrassment Situation

I am ashamed to be a fan of the Montreal Canadiens today.

Not because they were hopelessly outclassed 4 - 0 last night. There is nothing to be ashamed of when you are beaten by a better team, as long as you try your best to win. The Tampa Bay Lightning certainly looked like they were playing much better than the Habs last night. Plus they got lucky on the first two goals.

No, I have a different reason for my embarrassment on behalf of the team. There was a small pair of 'plays' that made me want to string up one of Montreal's players (and this is the second time this playoff season that I have felt this way - the Kovalev faux pas in overtime in the first round against Boston was the other one...), and made me ashamed to be rooting for him.

In the first period of last night's game, Richard Zednik was in the offensive zone when he was hacked by somebody playing for Tampa Bay. He immediately went down on the ice as if he was seriously hurt. Then he started flopping around on the ice to try and draw a penalty. Unfortunately, the only thing the refs might have called in that case was a diving penalty, against Zednik himself, for embellishing the hack. Which is embarrassment situation number one.

But, we're not done with the embarrassment potential of this incident yet. Once Zednik was sure that his theatrics were not going to be rewarded, he got up (very effortlessly for someone supposedly writhing around in pain on the ice just a few seconds ago), skated over to the Bolt who hacked him, and gave him a two-hander in retaliation. From behind. As the Bolt was going off the ice.

The kicker of the whole thing is that the original hack, the dive, and the retaliation all went on under the watchful eyes of just about everybody in the arena - yet no penalties were called.

Maybe the league should review game tapes and hand out fines for every little whack with the stick, every time somebody grabs someone else's stick, every single cheap shot made by every player in every game. I would think that, even with a nominal (for someone pulling down a salary of almost two million on average) fine, this would pile up fast. I see an almost continual stream of chippy little crap that should be called, but never is. And this sort of thing always gets worse in the playoffs.

That's not what hockey is supposed to be about. There is definitely enough room within the rules to allow physical play. But the cheap shots need to be punished, and punished severely. It always seemed to me that one of the main points of sport was to be civil about the whole thing. You're not there to hurt each other. You're not there to physically cripple the other team enough to win the game against them. You want to play your best, and see how that stacks up against others when they play their best.

At least that's the way I thought it used to be, before the almighty dollar became the primary focus of the endeavor. Now I guess it's worth it to cripple someone else just so you can get your next big paycheck. Sigh...

Nine Hundred and Fifty Days and Counting

At least, that's what my little gadget tells me over in the Funny Farm links zone. I wonder if the BFEE ABC will decide to disappear the original story sometime in the next few months?

I guess the pResidential philosophy is: a big steaming pile of kimchee over here, a large dose of hypocrisy over there, another attempt to establish Orwellian doublespeak as acceptable discourse over that way - what's the difference? Didn't you tell us you were going to try and fight terrorism? Is that why you've nourished it the last few years? What will your Invisible Cloud Deity tell you to inflict upon us next?

And when oh when will you focus on catching bin Laden? Bill Bennett bets it'll be after the outrage over the grandstanding at Ground Zero during Repugnicant Whorefest 2004. I say you want to get that out of the way before the big pResidential vacation this August, and you'll wait until the hype at the Democratic convention this summer reaches fever pitch.

Only time will tell...

22 April 2004

Hell, Yes, I'm Pissed

I just finished reading this article about The Conscientious Objector Policy Act, enacted by the Michigan legistlature under pressure from the Catholics religiously insane. Thanks to Jeebus' General (Sir! Thanks for coming back and blogging. It helps the troops morale, Sir!) for showing us the way to the silliness enacted just outside of our own front door, so to speak, here at the Funny Farm.*

There are so many things wrong with this piece of legislative morality, where can I start? This looks like as good a place as any [emphasis and commentary with surprised incredulity from the Funny Farm] :

Sec. 1. This act shall be known and may be cited as the "conscientious objector policy act".

Sec. 3. As used in this act:

(a) "Health facility" means a health facility or agency as defined in section 20106 of the public health code, 1978 PA 368, MCL 333.20106, a private physician office, or a public or private institution, teaching institution, pharmacy, corporation, partnership, or sole proprietorship that provides a health care service to an individual.

(b) "Health care provider" means a person licensed or registered under article 15 of the public health code, 1978 PA 368, MCL 333.16101 to 333.18838, a student of a health facility, or another person who is employed by or under contract to a health facility and directly participates in the provision of a health care service.

(c) "Health care service" means the provision or withdrawal of, or research or experimentation involving, a medical treatment, procedure, device, medication, drug, or other substance intended to affect the physical or mental condition of an individual.

(d) "Medical director" mean that term as defined in section 20906 of the public health code, 1978 PA 368, MCL 333.20906.

(e) "Participate" or "participating" means, at a minimum, to counsel, refer, perform, administer, prescribe, dispense, treat, withhold, withdraw, diagnose, test, evaluate, train, research, prepare, or provide material or physical assistance in a health care services.

Sec. 5.
(1) A health care provider may assert as a matter of conscience (cough) an objection to providing or participating in a health care service that conflicts with his or her sincerely held religious or moral beliefs. (who decides? how sincere? will we have ranked lists of which beliefs are the most sincere, and who gets to put together the lists?)

(2) A health care provider shall notify his or her employer in writing of a conscientious objection described in subsection (1). (This will be put in your permanent record)

(3) A health care provider may assert his or her conscientious objection under any of the following conditions:

(a) Upon being offered employment. (upon which you will no longer be offered employment. if you want the sratch, you gots to support the Health Care Facility's sincerely held religious or moral beliefs)

(b) At the time the health care provider adopts a religious or moral belief system that conflicts with participation in a health care service. (your sanctioned belief system affiliation papers, please... hey Marc, you gots any Church of Reality documents we can shamelessly exploit for fun and profit capitalize on? I realize it's a niche market, but if we get in ahead of the curve and can get enough gullible religious nuts faithful followers lunch money righteous largesse to support the endeavor, we could be rich enough to realize a benefit from the Bush elite cash grab tax cuts!)

(c) At any other time the health care provider considers it necessary to assert a conscientious objection.

(d) Within 24 hours after receiving notice that he or she may be asked or scheduled to participate in a health care service to which he or she conscientiously objects. If the health care provider is given less than 24 hours' notice that he or she has been scheduled to participate in an objectionable health care service, the health care provider shall assert an objection, either orally or in writing, as soon as it is practicable.

Sec. 7.
(1) An employer shall retain a health care provider's written objection filed under section 5 for the duration of the health care provider's employment. The written objection is valid for the duration of the health care provider's employment or until rescinded by the health care provider in writing.

(2) After receiving a written objection pursuant to section 5, an employer shall not require the objecting health care provider to provide or participate in the objectionable healthcare service.

(3) If a health care provider asserts an objection under section 5 less than 24 hours prior to the scheduled health care service, the employer shall make a reasonable effort to exclude the health care provider from participating in the health care service or find a replacement for the health care provider.

(4) An employer shall not refuse employment or staff privileges to a health care provider who has exercised his or her right to assert an objection to providing or participating in a health care service under section 5, unless participation in that health care service is indicated as a part of the normal course of duties in the posting of the availability of the position for employment or staff privileges.

(5) A medical school or other institution for the education or training of a health care provider shall not refuse admission to an individual or penalize that individual because the individual has filed in writing with the medical school or other institution a conscientious objection to participating in a health care service under this act.

Sec. 9.
Except as provided in section 11, a health care provider's objection to providing or participating in a health care service as described in section 5 shall not be the basis for 1 or more of the following:

(a) Civil liability to another person.

(b) Criminal action.

(c) Administrative or licensure action.

(d) Termination of employment or refusal of staff privileges at a health facility.

(e) An involuntary change in terms or conditions of employment or other disciplinary action, including, but not limited to, termination of employment, by the health care provider's employer.

Sec. 11.
(1) The protections afforded to a health care provider under this act do not apply under any of the following circumstances:

(a) A health care provider shall not assert an objection to a health care service if a patient's condition, in the reasonable medical judgment of an attending physician or medical director, requires immediate action to prevent the death of that patient. (what if the Invisible Cloud Deity decides it's time for the Health care Recipient to get their ticket to the Promised Afterlife? Who are these puny health care providers who thwart the omnipotent all being's designs?)

(b) A health care provider shall not assert an objection to providing or participating in a health care service based on the classification of a patient or group of patients protected under the Elliot-Larsen civil rights act, 1976 PA 453, MCL 37.2101 to 37.2804, or based on a disease or other medical condition. (does homosexuality come under this definition? yet? just asking...)

(c) A health care provider shall not make an objection known to or in the presence of a patient who is or may be the subject of the health care service to which the health care provider is objecting.

(2) If a health care provider asserts an objection to a health care service that at the time the objection is asserted constitutes a regular or substantial portion of the health care provider's current and defined position, the employer may give the health care provider not less than 6 months' notice of the termination of his or her employment. As used in this section, "regular or substantial portion" means that 10% or more of the health care provider's daily or weekly hours of duty consist of providing or participating in that health care service. (just in case you thought that the health care provider might have a chance of working according to their morals and ethics)

(3) This act does not relieve a health care provider from a duty that exists under another statute or other law pertaining to current standards of acceptable health care practice and procedure to inform a patient of the patient's condition, prognosis, and risks or receiving health care services for the condition. However, this subsection does not impose a duty on a health care provider to counsel, recommend, or refer a health care service to which the health care provider has asserted an objection as described in section 5.

Sec. 13.
(1) A civil action for damages or reinstatement of employment, or both, may be brought against a person, including, but not limited to, a governmental agency, health facility, or other employer, for penalizing or discriminating against a health care provider, including, but not limited to, penalizing or discriminating in hiring, promotion, transfer, a term or condition of employment, licensing, or granting of staff privileges or appointments, because that health care provider has asserted an objection to participating in a health care service under section 5. Civil damages may be awarded equal to 3 times the amount of proven damages and attorney fees. A civil action filed under this subsection may include a petition for injunctive relief against a person alleged to have penalized or discriminated against a health care provider as described in this subsection.

(2) A person who violates this act is responsible for a state civil infraction and may be ordered to pay a fine of not more than $1,000.

How long do you think it will take for these people to realize that these rules can be used to discriminate against their particular form of religious insanity?


I was hoping to get this out before trundling off to my work zone this morning, but it took a little too much research to get everything in place and get this post out on the blog. And of course, by the time I got these scribblings in a form coherent enough for you to comprehend, gentle reader, I notice that my fellow OSPer Susie over at Suburban Guerilla, as well as the recently linked King of Zembla, as well as (in all likelihood) half of the fashionable left bank of blogistan, beat me to the punch in getting the news out to you. Again.

God Damn you, George Steinbrenner!


* - Editor**'s Note: We don't always credit the many many valuable internet information awareness locations that provide us with most of the infotainment that helps us make it through the day. Ever since the BFEE*** turned the mainstream media into a wholly owned subsidiary of theirs, I haven't been tuned into their wavelength, so to speak. But I'd like to send massive props out to Atrios, Kos, Hesiod, Josh, Kevin, and all the rest of you too numerous to mention who are the de facto liberal media right now. And, yes, I wasn't going to mention Don or John or Eric specifically, either, until the end. And of course Bob leads the pack cataloguing the kimchee being exuded everywhere, from the Oval Orifice in the WhiteWash House, the scoundrels in the Congress, and the bankrupt state governments, to the media whores and their infotainment empires, these days.. Thanks to all of you for exposing these bastards as the theiving whores they are whilst entertaining us along the way. Without all of you (or should I say all of us?), we would be lost in our despair.

** - And by Editor, we of course mean Editor, Chief Cook, Bottle Washer, Brewmeister, Ghost of Mr. Know-It-All Impersonator (Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat...****), and any one of the six impossible things we mange to get through before breakfast each morning (we haven't quite gotten to the Regular Morning Scream yet, but, hey, it's not even May - and we don't live in a cave where Islington will someday be built...) and make up a fancy title for. Just because we can. And of course we use the royal We when doing so, because, well, quite often we feel like royalty because we can waste so much of our time on things like making silly blog posts instead of having to spend every single moment trying to survive until the next morning's sunrise.

*** - We're going to say this again and again until you understand: BFEE = Bush Family Evil Empire

**** - That trick never works!

A Google Bomb For Scoobie

My man Scoobie Davis wants me to tell you that Christopher Ruddy is a noisome little prick. He also wants you to know that Christopher Ruddy was an ex New York Post writer (cough) subsequently hired by a Scaife tabloid sheet. Christopher Ruddy then foolishly taunted 60 Minutes to call him on his Clintonista propaganda (Ha! I fart in your general direction, Christopher Ruddy! Your feeble brained lies are only fit for wiping a donkey's bottom!).

Of course, now Christopher Ruddy has been universally quoted as a factual source by the vile Pigboy as well as an all-star cast of the Conservative Media Whores, and now Christopher Ruddy runs NewsMax like the noisome little prick he is. Hopefully, now, when anyone uses Google to search on the words Christopher Ruddy, they will be brought to a fine article exposing Christopher Ruddy for what he is, a tool of the conservative movement.

21 April 2004

Revisited Funny Farm Fognostications

Okay, so I'm not exactly batting 1.000 here... but I am extremely happy to be wrong once again about the Montreal Canadiens. Go Habs Go!

As far as my un-svengali like powers of precognition:

The First Round:
Detroit crushes Nashville in four
Almost right - it took Detroit six games to win this one

San Jose beats up St. Louis in six
Almost right more - San Jose beat them up in five

Vancouver cruises past Calgary in five
D'oh! Calgary beats Vancouver in the seventh game in overtime!

Colorado survives Dallas in seven
Almost almost right - Colorado cruises past Dallas in five this year

The Islanders surprise (sorta) the Lightning in six
D'oh! Tampa Bay looks like they deserve the top seed in the East with a convincing 4-1 victory in this series

Boston brushes past Montreal in five
Yes indeedy, I am very happy to be wrong here. Even if the Flying Frenchmen Freedom Fighters don't win another game, they have provided me enough excitement to justify my continued fanaticism on their behalf. Bob Gainey might even be half the Machavellian genius that Trader Sammy was - which is twice as much as anybody else out there today, and more than enough to have a chance of doing well in the NHL.

By the way, what's the difference between Joe Thornton and a needle?
A needle has a point! [ba dum bum!] [Thank you - I'll be here all week!]

New Jersey squeaks past Philadelphia in seven
D'oh! Philadelphia has a hot rookie goaltender and the biggest arsenal of snipers in the East that are not on the golf course. Yet.

Toronto wins the Battle of Ontario over Ottawa in seven
Ding! Ding! Ding! we have a winner! This year it was a Battle Royale until Patrick Lalime crumbled in the first period of game seven of the series

So there you have it. We have managed to get every result from being dead bang on the money to being so wildly wrong I could be a spin doctor for the Media whores [Zing!]. Which only goes to show...

And the moral of the story is... smoking can ruin your health. The End.

20 April 2004

Funny Farm Frustration

We have been having many hardware and software problems here at the Funny Farm over the last week or so, and we apologize to both of you who keep on coming back for more.

Until I can recover the awesome post I was going to put up here - with a special google bomb for Scoobie Davis - I would like to entertain you all with a little something from my good friend Candace down in Monroe, Michigan*:

Detroit Humor

You must learn to pronounce the city name. It's Di-troit. NOT DEE-troit. If you pronounce it DEE-troit then we will assume you are from Toledo and here for the country Music hoe-down.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own version of traffic rules... hold on and pray!

The morning rush hour is from 6:00am to 10:00am.
The evening rush hour is from 3:00pm to 7:00pm.
Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
Weekends are open game.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. If you're first off the starting line when the light turns green, count to five before going. This will avoid getting in the way of cross-traffic who just ran their yellow light to keep from getting shot.

Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native Of the Detroit metro area. That goes for Gratiot too.

Construction and renovation on I-94, I-96, I-75 and I-275 is a way of life.Just deal with it.

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect or they are "out-of-towners." All old men with white hair wearing a hat have total right-of-way.

The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 is 85 regardless of the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY.

Oh, and don't even think of allowing more than one car length between cars!

The attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit is NOT ornamental. "DO NOT get out of your car"

Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says "Keep honking, I'm reloading."

If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving 'because they are so friendly in Detroit.' I would suggest you duck.

I-275/I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.

It's not M-10, it's "the Lodge."

That's not a lake, it's a pothole.

If someone tells you it's on Outer Drive, you better hope you have a map.

The left turn is simple. If you want to turn left, go a 1/4 of a mile past your turn, get to the left, then make a left, then make a right.

NOW you have gone left.

I wonder why my fellow metro Detroiters seem a little stressed from time to time...


*: Editor's note: Actually, Candace is from Detroit Beach, not Monroe. But anything other than metro Detroit is probably meaningless to those from outside southeastern Michigan anyways.