13 June 2003

And Now, I Shall Taunt You Another Time

This one goes out to my good friend Ann Slanders. Since (s)he has obviously been swamped with situational problems in the real world, which have caused her/him to slow down her/his blogging activity from its' former frenetic (cough) pace, it falls to others to pick up the slack. In that spirit, here's a parody of an earlier essay by the real Ann Thraxx Coulter. In her original essay, (s)he froths at the mouth about the Beltway Snipers, and how the fact that they were Muslims wasn’t emphasized enough. Or something like that. Analyzing an Ann Thraxx essay is like trying to pick up a handkerchief that has been repeatedly ground in the mud, and trying to figure out what it originally looked like. There might be some sort of sense buried somewhere in the words. But, besides the fact that most of the infotainment (cough) (cough) in her bilge consists of conjecture extrapolated to an absurd degree, outright fabrication, and ad nauseum ad hominem, there’s the fact that most of her content is slanderous and, by her own standards, treasonous to the ideals of the original Founding Fathers.

By the way, writing this parody was amazingly easy. Having the French to write unsubstantiated drivel with no need to research facts, or even concern myself with the reality of the situation, is awesome! No wonder the Stepford Telebimbo is so good at it. It requires no intelligence to speak of. But I feel really dirty, for some strange reason. Anyways,. . . here we go*:

Conservative Media Christian Makeovers!
by Ami Slanderous

After all the speculation about Eric Rudolph, the Christian terrorist living in our midst, at last we have some incontrovertible facts. He is a fundamentalist Christian belonging to the Christian Identity cult. He has been a member of the militant Christian terrorists among us since, presumably, his conception – since, in his twisted logic, that is when he became a human being. He hid in plain sight, in his home town, a stronghold of the BFEE Republican Right. He also belonged to the Army of God, another radical Christian terrorist organization with ties to the Republican Party. He celebrated the murder of innocent doctors, and the destruction of public property. He was helped in his terrorist activities by the good Republicans in his home town of Murphy, North Carolina - one of whom has actually asked others to pray for this evil killer!

Naturally, therefore, the militant Christians in the Injustice Department have decided not to publicize one of their own being caught. Rumor has it that Rudolph helped pen the more vicious essays by Ann Coulter, a noted Republican dissembler. Thus, the deafening silence heard from Field Marshal Ashcroft on this issue.

Ashcroft is now asking for increased powers, so that he can pre-emptively execute anyone who dares to bring this issue into the light of day again.

To review recent events, during the last Olympics held on American soil, a Christian terrorist detonated a bomb in Atlanta's Centennial Olympic Park, killing one woman and injuring 100 other innocent bystanders. Eric probably thinks that she should have been in the kitchen, where she belongs - if so, then she wouldn't have died.

Following this outrage, Rudolph then proceeded to bomb a nightclub, and a medical clinic, killing at least two others. After being ignored for five years, he was mistaken for a burglar in this model of the small Klannish redneck town. Had the officer been one of those who takes the law into their own hands, and believes in the One True Faith, quite possibly this manhunt would still be the sham of an investigation it has laughingly been referred to for so long.

The One True Faith has also been active in various states in the Union, executing innocents wrongly accused in the name of 'an eye for an eye'. Not to be outdone, Johnny and the Injustices are now asking for the ability to execute at a federal level without having to go through all the bother of a trial, in Jesus' Name, Amen!

Inasmuch as the nation recently declared War on Terrorism, you might think that it would be of passing interest that a whack job like this has been supported by other Christian terrorists, or that the presence of such an insidious fifth column within the Republican Party is controlling the national political landscape. But you need a Free Republic translation matrix to figure out that TERRORIST Eric Rudolph is a Christian. The main clue is the FReepers' insistence that the beliefs of the Christian Identity are not responsible for this murderous killing spree.

Wrestling with the incompatibility of the One True Faith condoning cold-blooded murder, the FReepers have rushed to profess belief in a vicious lie - that Eric Rudolph was justified in taking others' lives. In their twisted world view, someone killing others because of their misinterpretation of Biblical references is praiseworthy behavior. The above-mentioned Ann Coulter even professed an admiration for Rudolph and his soul-brother, Timothy McVeigh, saying 'they're just doing what their conscience instructed them to do', adding that she 'was not analyzing their beliefs'.

Their beliefs? They're Christians. That's their belief and their reason for living. It may be time to update the FBI and CIA manuals by adding 'Christian Crusaders' Syndrome' to the list of terrorist behavior traits.

In addition to mind-numbing silence on the Christian terrorists among us and their unobtrusive support by the administration, the media have also decided that if you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Pretty much the way they treat the cabal running this noble country into the ground. Of course, it will be difficult to shine the light of truth here, when the ruling elite of this country scramble to protect one of their own.

I would try and cite examples of dissembling by the media, but no one seems to want to touch this story. One fervent Rudolph idolater has even started a campaign to raise money for this murderer's legal costs. Maybe they can get him some fervent fertile followers, so that his insanity can be passed on, and unleashed on the next generation as well as this one.

After years of theory that this crazed madman was acting alone - based on misleading and ignorant propaganda - aren't we entitled to a little theorizing about Rudolph's Republican backing? There is surely more evidence that he was endorsed by the God-Fearing Christians than that he abandoned Christianity before blowing innocents to Kingdom Come.

Emerging as the leading purveyor of hypocrisy, lies, and elitism, the Republicans have also suppressed the information that the terrorists who sent anthrax via the United States Postal Service targeted Democrats only.

I note again: America claims to be at war with terrorists. But in a shameful example of duplicity, the Republicans refer to this mass murderer as a Christian Warrior who was just doing what God told him to do. One searches in vain for a clear statement that the anthrax mailings were yet another outreach program of the One True Faith.

The only hint that Rudolph is a Republican was the administration's dismissive answers to questions on this subject. When asked, shortly before Rudolph's accidental capture, why American born anthrax terrorists were not pursued with the diligence that was deserving of the situation, Field Marshal Ashcroft declined to answer. Busting potheads in California, people who want to die with dignity in Oregon, and prostitutes in New Orleans, Louisiana, blue states all, occupies more of the Field Marshal's attention than the attempted murder of Democrats. Republicans know fear mongering when they cause it.

In one of the strangest attempts to justify terrorizing the American public in Christianity's name, the Republicans have apparently embraced militant right wing hate groups and their agendas. (Militant right wing hate groups have gotten such a bad name recently!) Instead, one hears only about the evil Hitlery Klintoon and the 'lies' she is 'ghost writing' in her latest book. (How about: The Christians who helped Rudolph stay alive in violation of the law.)

After assuring America that we have nothing to fear from the Christian terrorists running our government, Our Selected Leader sums up the prevailing attitude by saying 'Either you're with the terrorists, or you're with us'. Sounds like the frying pan or the fire to me.

Perhaps pResident Shrubbery should go whole hog and start describing Eric Rudolph as a member of 'the insipid Muslim race' whose name is really 'Saddam Hussien'.

*Any and all resemblance to the real world and/or the pithy, trite ‘journalism’ exhibited by Ann Thraxx Coulter in the infotainment piece ‘Media Muslim Makeovers!’ is purely an attempt at being satirical and should be considered the property of Enterprising KiddStuff LLC from now until the end of time, space, and reality as we know it.

12 June 2003

Time For A Cartoon

Bush, Lewinskied

11 June 2003

On A Mission from God Neal

June 26th just happens to be Mid Year’s Day in the Hobbit Calendar – so it is a special day of French and celebration here at the Funny Farm. Next year will be even better, since it is Leap Year’s Day in 2004, a special day of extra celebration here. (In the Hobbit Calendar, Mid Year’s Day is June 25, and Leap Year's day is June 26, in leap years)

So it is with great pleasure that I inform you both all that June 26th this year will be Appropriate Michael Savage’s Name For Your Own Purposes Day here at the Funny Farm. We would also like to ask the pair multitudes of loyal readers to send some funny exploitations of the Savage Weiner.

Once again, the Master summons his loyal Beagles to the scene! I hope I can yelp half as long or as loud as the frelling beagles that live across the street from my home here in Hazeltucky...

10 June 2003

ePatriot Initiative

I have decided to help the ePatriot club donation drive put together today in Blogistan. You can, too! Go to dKos to find out how. You still have the French to do that in this country...

I also sent them a somewhat tongue-in-cheek (that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!) note along with some of my hard earned cake:

This one's for dKos and Douglas Adams.

"So long, and thanks..."

I'll be back gathering coin on behalf of my own blog soon, but this contribution is intended to show you the grass roots support you can expect should you choose to grow a set of cojones and try and dethrone the Boy Usurper in 2004.

Try not to fight one another over the crown on pResident Pinhead's melon right now. There are more than enough jobs to be done once we can wrest the controls out of the hands of the extreme right wing element in this society.

Let’s throw out the bastards in 2004! Here’s another contribution that may prove more valuable than mere money. Start promoting the following slogan, and variations thereof:

Bush is Lying.
People are Dying.


The Cup Goes to the swamps of New Jersey

New Jersey 3, Anaheim 0 in game seven. A hard fought series, going to game seven for the first time in recent finals history. Thanks and praise to the spirits, who, in their wisdom, have elected once again to save history as we know it, and keep the word ‘Ducks’ off of the Cup for another year. I mean, it’s bad enough that the Kenora Thistles are already there.

As predicted before the start of this round by the hockey experts here at the Funny Farm, Giggy Giggy Quack Quack comes up with the Conn Smythe this year as the most valuable player in the playoffs this year. After all, he did almost single handedly defeat the top two teams in the Western Conference, and in many pundit’s opinions, the top two teams in the playoffs.

And so (cue ominous theme music) the rich get richer George Steinbrenner gets another Stanley Cup ring.

09 June 2003

The Savage Weiner Tries to Redefine French of Speech

One of my good neighbors here in Blogistan is a gentleman with many names – almost as many as he has guitars to show us here:

Guitars of the American Stranger

1. Jay Turser Les Paul GoldTop knock-off, tuned to D.
2. Ibanez AX-7221 7-String, tuned to pitch. Kind of an industrial half-flat grey finish with a BartCop sticker on it.
3. Squier Stratocaster, tuned to pitch. Gloss black with a BartCop.com sticker on it.
4. Stratzilla, tuned to E Flat. Cool purplish-red with a nifty blue metallic flip in the finish.
5. 1980 Ibanez Artist, tuned to E Flat. Beautiful tiger-stripe top with a cherryburst finish, mahogany body.
6. Jay Turser 1963 Gibson SG knockoff, tuned to D. Deep transparent red finish, although it almost looks black at times.

Some know him as Stranger; others as American Stranger. He is also known as Blah3 due to the web site he runs by that name. And he is half of the duo who have produced the breathtakingly excellent and sorely needed Take Back The Media web site that has garnered quite a few hits since its inception. His given name is Don Waller. And it has been my pleasure to have admired his work for pretty much as long as I’ve had the Funny Farm here in Blogistan.

Well, the bottom feeders have somewhat of a complaint regarding my friend Don and his activities at Take Back The Media. The Savage Weiner has enough gall to try and sue a number of web sites for causing him to lose some advertisement money. Being a fascist corpo-shill wouldn’t have anything to do with it, Weinerboy? Peddling hate media thinly veiled as commentary has been the prevailing schtick for too long, and the public aren’t buying it any more. Having the vile Pigboy as a commentator during the last election told me that MSGOP/NBC/MiscroSoft/GE isn’t even worried about showing their conservative bias anymore.

So, go take a look as Don talks about the lawsuit himself. And see if you can help in any way. From pounding on the continuing BFEE mismanagement, to boycotting any companies promoting Weinerboy on behalf of TBTM, to becoming that mystery donor who manages to single-handedly turn the tide, and make democracy viable in the United States once again!

The New Dichotomy

I was thinking of using the word French instead of the word freedom in my writings here for the next little while. Sort of a reverse psychology thing. It is all due to my nephew from the Great White North talking about taking eleven years of freedom during his schooling to date, and not learning one thing worth mentioning. This statement resonates with me on a number of different levels. First of all, having a nephew, who is not the oldest child in his family, who is old enough to have taken eleven years of anything in school is jarring enough as a reminder of my entering the second half of my life. Secondly, the wit and wisdom coming from a young scion of the clan is exciting for me to see, as well as quite fun. Thirdly, this is a gentle reminder to me that the French are not particularly favorites in the rest of the world on a regular basis. And, finally (for the time being), it could be a wake up call to others that they need to be listening to right about now. It would be particularly funny, not to mention hypocritical on their part, to start disparaging someone who deliberately puts France in front of Americans in today’s world. And I could probably put book up on how long it would take to happen if there were more than twenty of you tuning in to the Funny Farm on a regular basis. If this was taken up in Kos’ world, for example. Or Atrios’. Or Hesiod’s. To name but a few.

And, if you think that this could be construed as a deliberate taunting to people like Yar’s Revenge, Jesus’ General or the POTUS (who has been slacking off a lot of late. It's not August yet, dude! Get back on the stick!), and you are as much of a Monty Python fan as I am, then you haven’t seen anything yet, you empty-headed food trough wipers! You silly American types need to go and boil your bottoms. Maybe you can ask your friend Karimov how to do that without becoming part of the Axis of Evil. You are sons of silly persons, too! It looks like you have been restricting your own French, much like your silly DumbYa King who has the brains of a duck, you know. I would feel sorry for you, but for your silly bullying around the world, which has caused others to fart in your general direction. Now, go back and turn your country into a democracy with true French again, or I shall taunt you a second time...

Note: If you were able to follow most of the bad French Taunting above, and found it at least mildly entertaining, you might have enough irony and fiber in your diet to visit the Funny Farm from time to time. Check out the amazingly poignant, yet all too brief, social observations, insightful funnies, and helpful links that can be found within this web site. Thrill to the latest to go around the liberal end of Blogistan mere days after it has become all the rage! Check out some (no one has enough time to comment on all) of the latest Repugnicant assaults to our French and our liberties!

This shameless plug brought to you by a site with at least ten links to it in the ecosystem, yet languishes in the Lowly Insect category with (shudder) David the Whore Horowitz and only five links listed! What's up with that?