11 April 2003

The Sideshow Continues

I was wondering how long it would take for this to get on the web. Thanks to Barney Gumble for the verbiage reprinted here:

Pan to: The Daily Show set. Jon Stewart is sitting at the desk getting a report from Senior Senior Media Whore War Correspondent Steven Colbert:

Stewart: What should the media's role be in covering the war?

Colbert: Very simply, the media's role should be the accurate and objective description of the hellacious ass-whomping we're handing the Iraqis.

Stewart: Hellacious ass-whomping? Now to me, that sounds pretty subjective.

Colbert: Are you saying it's not an ass-whomping, Jon? I suppose you could call it an ass-kicking or an ass-handing-to. Unless, of course, you love Hitler.

Stewart [stammering]: I don't love Hitler.

Colbert: Spoken like a true Hitler-lover.

Stewart: Look, even some American generals have said that the Iraqis have put up more resistance than they were expected to.

Colbert: First rule of journalism, Jon, is to know your sources. Sounds like these "generals" of yours may be a little light in the combat boots, if you know what I'm saying.

Stewart: I don't think I know what you're saying.

Colbert: I'm saying they're queers, Jon. They're Hitler-loving queers.

Stewart: I'm perplexed. Is your position that there's no place for negative words or even thoughts in the media?

Colbert: Not at all, Jon. Doubts can happen to everyone, including me, but as a responsible journalist, I've taken my doubts, fears, moral compass, conscience and all-pervading skepticism about the very nature of this war and simply placed them in this empty Altoids box. [Produces box.] That's where they'll stay, safe and sound, until Iraq is liberated.

Stewart: Isn't it the media's responsibility in wartime ...

Colbert: That's my point, Jon! The media has no responsibility in wartime. The government's on top of it. The media can sit this one out.

Stewart: And do what?

Colbert: Everything it's always wanted to do but had no time for: travel, see the world, write that novel. I know the media has always wanted to try yoga. This is a great time to take it up. It's very stressful out there -- huge war going on. Jon, hear me out, it was Thomas Jefferson who said, "Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach."

Stewart: Stephen, Stalin said that. That was Stalin. Jefferson said he'd rather have a free press and no government than a government and no free press.

Colbert: Well, what do you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler-loving queer?
-- The Daily Show

Spoken like a gentleman, sir!

10 April 2003

Late Breaking Update

Our Funny Farm correspondent sends this in from the wilds of Funsylvania. He said something about the fourth worst poetry in the history of the Universe, and asked me to look for an out of work actor with a towel and a copy of the Guide...

My Poetry
My poetry is phony
My poetry is fake
I’ve got as much emotion as a hungry rattlesnake
My poetry is bullshit
My poetry is lies
It is just a way to get my hand between your thighs
My poetry is mayhem
My poetry’s decay
I’ve never said a thing that no one else has thought to say
My poetry is malice
My poetry’s a crime
I think I’m writing poems when I'm really writing rhymes
My poetry is boring
My poetry is bad
My poetry is boring 'cause my poetry is bad

Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem “Ode o a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning” four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos is reported to have been ‘disappointed’ by the poem’s reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his twelve-book epic entitled My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save life and civilization, leaped straight up through his neck and throttled his brain.

The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England, in the destruction of the planet Earth.

- Douglas Adams, The HitchHiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Chapter 7

Late Breaking Update Update: Uggabugga paints a very scary picture. Go see it when you get a minute.

Uggabugga rules!

Here's a link to the original. I'm not worthy!

Statue constructed by the firm Noonan & Sullivan LLC.

09 April 2003

One For My Baby

Hi hon! It’s nice to have a public forum to talk about stuff sometimes.

You know how we were thinking of going somewhere on vacation one of these days? I think you should look at this.

Where exactly does the Eleventh Circuit Court have jurisdiction again? This could adversely affect our travel plans. Most cruises originate in Miami...

Okay, One more...

From Infintite Jest:

Need a job?

I'm thinking there's some unemployed here back in the You Ess of Eh who would be wanting those jobs...

Another Pretty Picture

This one is courtesy of Xoverboard:

Some assembly required

08 April 2003

Faux Headlines Through the Ages

This interesting concept has been promoted by the good people at Fark. What would the headlines look like if Faux News covered them? Here’s a sampling of those headlines:

Trojan Horse secrets revealed by Geraldo
Operation: Liberation Carthage
The Spanish Inquisition - Python Style!
Salem witch trials
Boston Tea Party
McCarthy Factor
Reagean anointed as second coming of Christ
I hope you enjoy these as much as I did. You can see the whole series here.

07 April 2003

Five More Seconds of Fame

BartCop was kind enough to put a picture on his site of the back of the New Cop Car, the latest means of transportation here at the Funny Farm. Thanks, dude!

The New Cop Car from behind

Waaaaaaay too much time on my hands

Just before I get to my well-deserved, all too infrequent, yet guiltily indulged afternoon nap, I can tell you about one of today’s frivolous activities. I have submitted an email to the proprietor of the Xoverboard website, listing (in my opinion) his best blogging. There’s so much of it, I had to put it in 3 categories: top 10 cartoons, posts, and series of posts.

I probably could go nuts on this, and put links up to every one of his posts in each of the series. But the Funny Farm is still most definitely a non-profit organization which does not merit that much attention to detail. Besides, it’s my day off! I will supply links to the posts, but you can go to his comics page and look through his work for the current school year for the pretty pictures.

Here’s my choices:

Top 10 Cartoons
Rank Date Name
1 February 5, 2003 Well, fine, I'll say it.
2 March 12, 2003 So it comes to this.
3 March 26, 2003 Voices for Democracy
4 October 17, 2002 I think you shot Mr. Bunny
5 September 4, 2002 Welcome back to the home of the Liberal Agenda
6 September 25, 2002 Bush is nothing like Hitler
7 November 14, 2002 The Democrats lost to this?
8 February 19, 2003 Thought-free Targets in Political Commentary
9 October 24, 2002 This ad is so Simple, isn't it?
10 March 5, 2003 X&O From the Department of Homeland Security

Top 10 Posts
Rank Date Name
1 November 25, 2002 You have the right to remain silent... ClearYouOfAllFaultSaysWhat?
2 September 25, 2002 Bull (market) Shit!
3 December 12, 2002 Straphangers and strapped budgets
4 August 2, 2002 This is officially the most awesome thing ever
5 April 26, 2002 So much for enjoying what I do from now on.
6 September 11, 2002 9-11 Anniversary edition
7 May 7, 2002 And now, August J. Pollak alienates himself from the cartoon industry and deprives himself of any future chance of work.
8 April 8, 2002 Oh. Well.
9 October 15, 2002 Stop him before he kills hope again
10 November 9, 2002 As the War on Privacy continues

Top 10 Series
Rank Name
1 The pResident has Gone Completely Insane
2 from Jury Duty to Radioactive Map July 7 - 10, 2002
3 World's Stupidest Idea
4 Let's Talk About the Middle East
5 Visiting the Town of Blatantly Obvious
6 Houston police over zealousness at Kmart parking lot
7 Mailbag responses
9 Right / Example
10 Negative on Affirmative

Many thanks to Xoverboard for lots of information, commentary, and general merriment over the last couple years. I know he certainly made me feel a little bit better from time to time. I hope he has done the same for you, gentle reader.

Snow Day in April

Not possible, you say? Well, my friend – you don’t live in Michigan!

I managed to travel a little over two miles or so in an hour while trying to get to work today. In between sailing through an intersection because I forgot that there’s a layer of ice under the blizzard of snow pouring down, spinning across a lane when trying to go through an intersection when the light changed, and making an unplanned lane change while turning from one street to another, I decided that discretion was the better part of valor and headed back for home. I am very glad that I wasn’t one of the dozens who weren’t going to be getting anywhere any time soon due to accident. And I wish that some of the other dozens of ‘road warriors’ who were taking their 4x4s and driving like complete idiots in the middle of a snowstorm would manage to get punished when they cause traffic problems and then blithely drive away to cause more. Bastards!

I’ll be catching up on a (very) few things today. Sleep is kinda high on the list, and not to worry, there’s nothing of any actual constructive value on the agenda. I might even try and find out how much of The Christian Conservative Nazi Neocon Network (Half the News, All the Time!) I can stand to watch.

And, of course, possibly check back in here later today. You have been warned...

06 April 2003

No BartCop This Weekend

D'oh! D'oh! D'Oh! D'oh! D'OH! D'OHH! D'OOOHHHH! D'OH! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'ooh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH! (...echoes off into aural horizon...)

There was a nice Simpsons episode on, though. Welcome to the working week, people. Start your engines!

Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!

Ann Slanders, among others, have noted the presence of The Grand Old Party website. You have to see these flashes! We’re putting a link to this page over at the links zone right away! Check these guys out while holding on to your funny bone...

Hypocrisy Alert

Man, oh man, if we had one of those air raid sire-reenes (that’s how its pronounced here), or one of those fancy architectural machines (pay for one of them and the junta pay you! Maybe... Don’t forget to save the receipt!), it would be working overtime on the hypocrisy alerts going off here at the Funny Farm these days. Forcing yourself to listen to El ChupCabra makes you ease off the trigger a little, and of course in today’s world the concept of a hair trigger on the hypocrisy monitor does not coincide with reality. Ari Fleischer has not been able to say more than two words before the monitor drowns out his dren.

However, uggabugga righteously points out the hypocrisy of Andrew Sullivan, who suggests firing someone he doesn’t like because he left two words out of a quote. We’ll address that ourselves – since it actually made the hypocrisy monitor trill here at the Funny Farm. And we note that The Uggster has not synched his archives with his current post (the verbiage after the table isn’t in the archived post yet). But I digress...

Uggs also shows us some very cool charts. The one below the post above is much clearer than the actual essay. And possibly also contributed to the trilling sound.-

As for the nauseating Sully the Profession of Journalism, let’s point out that first and foremost, he doesn’t link to the archived corrections page, so if you want to prove he’s not just blowing smoke up your ass (journalistic hypocrisy – not allowing others to verify your observations), you're SOL. Let us then point out that he has left out far more than two words in a number of his quotes from time to time (I’m pretty sure you could go to sullywatch and find a few examples), and further that, even when he does quote accurately, he twists the meaning of the quote to suit his own agenda. Whatever that may be.

To me, Andrew Sullivan, along with so many others on the right, is a physical embodiment of the DuckSpeak principle in Orwell’s classic novel Nineteen Eighty Four. He is squawking to put noise into the void so that truth is harder to hear, questioned if heard at all, and so that the noise is accepted as reality.

Late Breaking Update: Karmic balance has been restored - uggabugga has synched his archive post righteously pointing out the hypocrisy of Andrew Sullivan with his blog. And possibly altered it yet again, through the machinations of the Internet. Well done!