Remember, Kids – For Every Silver Lining, There’s a Dark Cloud!*

[sung to the tune of ‘Ding-dong, the witch is dead]

Ding dong the Weiner’s gone
Said too much wrong
He got the gong
Ding dong the Savage Weiner’s gone!

How come all the fun happens while I’m at work? Everyone has already gotten in all the snappy lines and stuff. I’m guessing that now, either he’ll have a lot of time, and a lot of Scaife’s money on hand, and will pursue lawsuits with a vengeance – or, he’ll drop all of this nonsense, and we won’t have to worry about his sorry ass any more.

Either way, it’s definitely a cause for rejoicing around here.

And, in case you might be interested, I have had a very nice weekend with my beloved, thank you very much! I think some irregular activities will resume around the Funny Farm shortly. Until then, as always, if you want the scoop, it’s off to Atrios’ with you!

* - with all due homage and praise to Al Sleet, your hippy-dippy weather man from Wonderful WINO – and of course, George Carlin who created him.

Anniversary Time

No, I haven’t been doing this for a year yet. That celebration will be taking place at the end of September. This is something much more personal.

A year ago, I met a wonderful young lady, who I am happy to say has been my girlfriend since then. We’ve spent the time enjoying ourselves, travelling across North America, and figuring out where we go from here. So, won’t you do me a favor, and direct your positive thoughts our way?

And, thanks baby. You have made my life so much better, just by being around. I look forward to many years of candlelight dinners, mushy lovey dovey stuff, and road trips. We’ve come quite a long way in a year, haven’t we? I hope you have had almost as much fun as me along the way.

Happy Anniversary! You’re the best, baby...

The Funny Farm Song for Independence Day 2003

Brother Joman, turn it up and listen to it twice. I wonder if I ask nice, maybe I can get an mp3 of this, or perhaps a CD full of protest music in collaboration with some other independent and (ahem) under-employed musicians under this badministration? Might we be able to give Blah3, Symbolman, and Take Back The Media a much needed shot in the arm of cash by selling a hundred of these next week? If you like this idea, and would be willing to shell out ten bucks for eighty minutes of good indy music – let me know, I’ll talk to the powers that be about the idea, and if they’re willing and able, we could have it in your hot little hands by the end of July. September at the latest if this idea catches fire. So think about it while you listen to this song: (We apologize in advance to those of you on dialup, who may not hear this song in all its' glory)

Idiot Son Of An Asshole He's not smart, a C student And that's after buying his way into school Beady eyes, and he's kinda dyslexic Can he read? No one's really quite sure He signs stuff and he executes people Maybe that's why, he doesn't have any friends Cocaine and a little drunk driving Don't matter, when you're the Commander in Chief. Idiot son of an asshole He's the idiot son of an asshole Idiot son of an asshole He's the idiot son of an asshole Put on some make-up, turn on the 8-Track, I'm putting a week back on the shelf, Suddenly I'm the President, of the United States, But then I woke up, and realized I'm still me. He's too dumb, to eat pretzels, apparently smart enough to fix an election. Moved boldly into the White House, but most people voted against him. He likes naps, He's good at naptime, A couple of naps and then a nap and then he's ready for bed, He may be from Bush decent, He's always gonna be unpresident [Crowd joins in chorus] Idiot son of an asshole He's the idiot son of an asshole Idiot son of an asshole He's the idiot son of an asshole Idiot son of an asshole He's the idiot son of an asshole He's our president!

Independence Day Celebration







Why don't you spend a bit of time this Independence Day finding out about the Real Land of the Free in 2003?

Go check it out before it gets censored by AssKKKroft and the Injustices.

And the Rich get Richer...

Thanks to another of our far-flung correspondents who took the time out of his busy schedule to tell his father about it, who then told me, so that I could share it with the rest of you:
Selanne, Kariya signed by Colorado Avalanche. They're both unrestricted free agents, so I'm guessing that truckloads of coin were involved.

Update: The Dead Things Red Wings pick up local (Sterling Heights) boy Darien Hatcher to bolster (cough) their defense.

Sigh. At least (I'm hoping) this means that we won't have to worry about seeing 'the Mighty Ducks' on the Cup any time soon. But it sounds like we might see the ex-Dicks Avalanche name on it again. Farging bastiches! I wonder if they'll ask Patrick to come out of retirement for another run at the Big Silver Bowl...

As for my Habbies, they may have pulled off a good draft this year. Which means we're a couple of years away from seeing the talent we drafted improve the team. They got two huge (six foot five) defensemen, a couple of small forwards and a lot of big ones, and forward Andrei Kastsitsyn from Russia's Central Army, who they picked with the tenth overall spot. Only 18, but looked pretty good in the World Junior (hockey) Championships earlier this year. Looks like Buddy Bob might have helped us out already. And we need it - we only have until the 2009-2010 season to get another Cup and keep a streak alive: the Montreal Canadiens have won a Stanley Cup in every decade that they have been a hockey franchise in the NHL. That's nine decades in a row, if you're counting. I'd love to see that streak go for an even hundred years. But, hey - that's just me. And about a quarter of a billion Habs fans around the world...

A Poll by Wolf Blitzer that You May Not Have Seen on CNN

From Noon EST July 1, 2003, Wolf Blitzer Reports:

Do you think President Bush will be re-elected In 2004? Yes 1400 12 percent No 10206 88 percent

If any consolation could be found by Ditto Monkeys in this survey, it for one included me, who, while fearing that Drinky McaWol will in fact be president for the next five years, he will still not be re-elected. Mainly because he was never elected in the first place.

Well, I Tried

It seems that the Truth Laid Bear’s system for counting votes in his New Blog Showcase initiative doesn’t count multiple links to these blog posts. So I guess trying to add extra votes to Rush Limbaughtomy won’t work. And the Pontificator’s link doesn’t seem to be registering a vote for him at all. Maybe because it doesn't look like a permanent link to the TLB processes?

Oh well. At least now I know a little bit more about how the system works. And I didn’t miss the deadline! Why don’t you go over there, check up on some of our newest neighbors, and, if you have a blog registered in the ecosystem, link to the posts you like. It’s that simple.

Special extended weekend guerilla blogging hours will commence immediately following the conclusion of my regular day job this evening. Now, it’s time for all you wild and crazy Americans to blow off some steam. Have a good holiday, if you are lucky enough to get it!

Because she has more to say . . . Beginning soon, Ann regularly will offer her thoughts on issues and ideas of the day here on her blog, CoulterGeist, exclusively on Human Events Online. If you thought her weekly column and her books raised the ire of liberals, wait until the Left gets a load of CoulterGeist.






















See, Ann Thraxx – even a clown like me has the time, skill and ability (cough) to point out how stupid you make yourself look on the national media stage on a daily basis, and you can’t even be bothered to talk about it on your highly publicized non-existent documentation of 'more of what Ann Coulter has to say' tax dodge to hide the boatload of cash for fluffing for Norquist and Scaife revelations of a hate filled ten year old on the playground, and typically empty, like so many other Repugnicant promises, blog.

And it looks like someone else may have noticed as well. I'm pretty sure I could find a few others, if I really bothered to try. But since you've already enticed enough links to be an Adorable Little Rodent in the ecosystem, I have little to say. Except, as usual, the system is frelled...

I am also extremely confident that whenever we finally do get a load of Coultergeist, it will definitely be considered a load of messy, smelly shite dren kimchee by most rational adults on the face of the planet.

The New Blog Showcase Over at the Truth Laid Bear

Well, NZ Bear has had this showcase of new blogs going. And there are a number of interesting contestants under review there. I hope the contest isn’t over, because I’d like to make a few nominations, before announcing my choice for best of this blog and pony show. Yes – I have been waiting for the right moment to use that phrase...

Anyhow, I managed to get through all the contestants on the list. I’m going to try and restrain myself in only voting for three of the entries proportionately.

La troisième étoile – de tird star - : the Chitra Talkies is a sad strange, tale about another world that is close to being outside of my comprehension. Plus, this blogger has put a number of pictures that help out the story in amongst the dialogue. I’m hoping Nancy Ghandi is not another Mary Rosh. Even if that was true – hey, everybody needs a hobby, right?

La deuxième étoile – de second star - : Catallarchy makes an excellent point, with a kewl gladiator picture (I wonder what GenlJC would say if he were still around?). And he makes an important differentiation between patriotism and nationalism. But his logic is flawed when he makes it. I agree a lot more with the rebuttal (go to the original link, and change the 47 to 53 in the URL on the address line). And it is somewhat of a fine distinction when Repugnicants are abusing both terms in their mad lust for world domination. So Catallarchy gets the second place ribbon here at the Funny Farm.

Et, la première étoile – an de firs star - : Rush Limbaughtomy. While Barry loses some points for spelling and grammar, he more than make up for it in style. Nicely tying a lot of stuff together, along with some nice linking to other opinions which support his point, as well as recognizing the opposing viewpoint just long enough to rip it to shreds. While I don’t quite agree – from my recollection Jennings Bryan had some rudimentary logical skills even when left off his handler’s leash, which right away puts him far in front of PR Smirk - Barry still makes the argument eloquently. And he adds his own audience participation, which is the clincher for me. Rush Limbaughtomy gets our first best of show rating!

Aw – what the heck! I tried to restrain myself, but I see all those big goose eggs sitting up on the board. So I think I should give honorable mentions to Cowgirl Cries, The Populist (even though you’re wrong. The American Revolution was the first modern guerilla war, not the Boer War), and Mazes and Walls (why didn’t you submit your Weiner Savaging post?!? D’oh!).

And a big thanks to the Truth Laid Bear for finding yet another way for us to waste even more time finding out things we’re probably better off not knowing in the first place!

Extra Extra!

Sent to us by a field reporter for the Funny Farm News Burrow:

Rush Limbaugh explodes while on vacation in Chile! Chilean scientists are baffled by a huge, gelatinous sea creature found washed up on the southern Pacific coast and were seeking international help identifying the mystery specimen. The dead creature was mistaken for a beached whale when first reported about a week ago, but experts who went to see it said the 40-foot-long mass of decomposing lumpy gray flesh apparently was an invertebrate. Chilean scientists look at the creature near Puerto Montt, July 1, 2003. Scientists said on Wednesday that the huge mass may be a rare type of giant octopus or just discarded whale blubber. (Jose Luis Saavedra/Reuters)

The Democratic Contract for America

I really like the way they think over at Blah3. I hope this resonates with all of you as much as it did with me.

'A Democratic Contract With America' by Rich Proctor The Democrats have to stop playing defense and go on the attack. If I read one more article declaring the Democrats are in 'disarray' as they 'struggle to find their voice' and 'decide on a winning message they can use against this popular President' I'll woof my cookies. I'm going to take a page out of the Republican playbook and create a dynamite Democratic marketing tool. Newt Gingrich got a hundred million dollars worth of free publicity with his famous 'Contract With America.' People liked it because it was blunt, forthright and unequivocal. Of course Gingrich's Republicans never had the guts to pass most of it (especially the 'balanced budget amendment' ­ see below), but they still got credit for being bold ­ EXACTLY the image the Democrats need to cultivate. I'd like to propose THE DEMOCRATIC CONTRACT WITH AMERICA. Every proposal is a common sense pitch that plays to a Democratic strength and a Republican weakness. The whole point of this document (like the Republican original) is to pick a fight with other guys ­ to dare them to disagree with you. The Democrats need to take the fight to the Republicans, and beat them with a marketing club that even '50 million Republican ad dollars can't fend off. Just to rub it in, the FIRST ACT is taken virtually WORD FOR WORD from the Gingrich document: 1. THE FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY ACT: 'A balanced budget amendment to restore fiscal responsibility to an out-of-control Congress, requiring them to live under the same budget constraints as families and businesses.' Thanks, Newtie. This is a proposal whose time has clearly come, with the wildly irresponsible Republican wastrels approving billions in new spending even as they destroy America's ability to raise money with insane 'breaks for billionaires' tax cuts. 2. THE AMERICANS RIGHT TO HEALTH CARE ACT: This act simply states that basic health care is a RIGHT. The Republicans want to pretend health care is just another consumer item subject to the whims of the free market, like video games and Diet Pepsi. Try telling that to an uninsured working class mother who can't pay for radiation treatments for her six year old daughter. Anyone with real compassion knows health care is a RIGHT, because you can't live (literally) without it. 3. THE EVERY CORPORATION PAYS ITS FAIR SHARE ACT: According to the BushCo rules, Halliburton gets billion dollar no-bid, open-ended government contracts even as it uses a post office box in Bermuda to avoid paying its fair share in taxes here in its alleged home base of America. Other corporations also enjoy the benefits of American life while dodging the price, leaving ordinary 'suckers' to pick up the tab. That's wrong. The Republicans approve of this outrage. That's evil. The Democrats demand an end to this NOW. 4. THE PROTECT OUR PRECIOUS ENVIRONMENT FOR OUR GRANDCHILDREN ACT: Bans anyone from working for the Environmental Protection Agency, the Interior Department and the Department of Energy who has worked in any business or industry that has a vested interest in weakening or destroying environmental rules and regulations. No more polluters making the rules and writing the laws that make it easy for them to pillage our sacred natural resources. 5. THE GUARANTEED SAFETY NET ACT: Social Security and Medicare are beloved, effective public benefit programs. They are an unbreakable promise we've made to our elderly citizens. They are not to be 'privatized,' 'right-sized' or 're-invented' out of existence. HANDS OFF. 6. THE FREEDOM FROM ARAB OIL ACT: Mandates that American automobile (and truck, and SUV) standards must improve by three miles a gallon immediately. This is easily achievable with existing technology. Had we done this ten years ago, thousands of Iraqis and hundreds of American soldiers would be alive today. It's time our troops stop dying for oil we wouldn't need if we acted in our own best interest. 7. THE GUARANTEED MEDIA DIVERSITY ACT: Returns media rules to pre-1994 levels, when media giants were banned from owning hundreds of outlets. Consumers want MORE choice, not less. Whether these media giants can achieve 'synergy' by 'streamlining their operations' is no concern of government in parceling out precious public property like airwaves. 8. THE INTEGRITY AND ACCOUTABILITY IN GOVERNMENT ACT: Forbids Senators and Congressmen (like Bill Frist and Tom DeLay) from voting on legislation (like special breaks for Eli Lilly and Westar) after they've taken money from them. 9. THE POWELL DOCTRINE FOREIGN INTERVENTION ACT: Demands that Congress satisfy all aspects of the 'Powell Doctrine' before voting to commit troops to a foreign war. A VITAL US INTEREST must be at stake. Our OBJECTIVES must be CLEARLY DEFINED. We must be willing to SUSTAIN A COMMITMENT that is CLEARLY LAID OUT IN ADVANCE OF THE ACTION. We must have a REASONABLE EXPECTATION THE PUBLIC WILL SUPPORT THE OPERATION. We must have a VIABLE EXIT STRATEGY. We must have EXHAUSTED OUR OTHER OPTIONS before taking action. You don't have to be a Beltway Pundit to see that the United States invasion of Iraq fails just about every one of Mr. Powell's criteria. Here's a blasting cap the Democrats can use to blow up the Republicans. To paraphrase Mr. Gingrich, 'How can even the most RIGHT WING REPUBLICAN come out against a balanced budget? The Powell Doctrine? Media Diversity? Integrity in government? And yet the Bush/Rove/Cheney/Rummy/Norquist Administration is vulnerable on every one of these points. It's time to think like Democrats, and market ourselves with the 'no guts, no glory' boldness of the Republicans.

Huge props to Rich Proctor for this initiative. What say ye, my brothers?

Disclaimer: Don's original post of Rich's essay neglected to contain ten points. The Funny Farm News Burrow has cleverly inserted an act of our own into our version of the contract. Can you spot our handiwork?

Disclaimer Update: Now you don't have to. We have been asked to pull it from the essay. So here it is. We think it should be between numbers 4 and 5 in the essay. Remember, this is not Rich's fault. So don't go blaming him for it:

10. THE FREEDOM OF EQUALITY FOR HUMANITY ACT: There are to be no legalized restrictions on the rights of any individual's actions, provided they do no harm to others. Also, the legalized fiction of the corporation, which was written into legal history by a file clerk, is abolished, and corporations can no longer attempt to be considered the same as 'persons' in the eyes of the law.

Late Breaking Update: Our sources have informed us that the Army Times has scrubbed the recent editorial about Drinky McDumbAss and the God Squad paying lip service to our soldiers. But we know where it still lives on the Net. Oh yes we do.

Like, Happy Canada Day, eh?

Some Hard Decisions

It’s time for a little pruning in the Funny Farm Links Zone. Some people have decided to hang it up, at least for the time being. And others who have been included here, previously, but were dropped because I decided it was time for them to go, have been re-evaluated.

So it’s time to bid a fond farewell to Baconslab, Pax Liberalis, Jesus’ General, the POTUSblog, Cheney’s Undisclosed Location, the Temple of GeeDuhBYa, and clue. If any of you start up again, and are within reading distance of this post, please let me know, and I’ll put you back where you belong.

I’m also adding GeekPol back to the lists, and welcoming a few new interesting sites into the fold. If there are any other small-audience blogs who might like a link and/or might like my hordes of dedicated fans (cough) to view their webspace on a semi-regular basis, please give me a shout. I’ll check your work out, and do my best to honor your request.

I’d also like to commend the Rush Limbaugh transcripts page. Whoever did the makeover over there did a wonderful job – they’re putting some highlighted comments from the group up on the front page, and have reorganized things to make it look better. Go check it out if you get a minute...